Well Im feeling a little bit better now since my pity party..and i feel a lot better after reading this article...
http://www.musclewithattitude.com/portal_includes/articles/figure2007/07-FIG038-feature.html
talk about motivating!!! I actually even printed it out for me to read over and over again!
I dont know why i get like that...i have been good...but im not pushing myself...at all...im not doing any extra...which is why i think, im not making any improvements. I look the same, or worse, than what i did a few months ago. I know that it is a little bit of both....not pushing myself harder in my workouts, doing any extra cardio...and my eating. More so, my eating.....everyone knows that diet is 90% of making any changes in your body...and yet, i find myself eating what i KNOW i shouldn't be eating. I am my own worst enemy....and im only hurting myself. Its self saboutage. Am i afraid of getting into shape? Am i afraid of getting attention? Am I so used to being overweight and unhappy that i am deliberatey eating the wrong things so i can't succeed? These are the questions that i have been thinking. One part of me wants to finally be able to wear a bathing suit without shorts or a sarong....or even better....to be a person who wants to get on stage in hooker shoes and be judged on my physique! So, then what is my problem? Do i not have it in me to push myself and give myself what i truly want? Why cant i have the drive and ambition that so many girls have to do this? That good side of me wants it so badly...and the other side (who usually wins) is the lazy side and the unbeliever who thinks that i will never be able to do it...so i have always listened to the loser side. What finally clicks in a person to make them succeed? What is that drive and motivation to push yourself to limits where you have never been? My idea should be goals...what i mean is to set some...everyone says that is what needs to be done...short term and long term....ok, simply put, my short term is to lose enough and look damn good for my wedding and honeymoon. Long term....get on that stage and compete in my first figure competition. See? I have them...now for the fire???? What do i have to do in my little brain of mine, to say enough is enough, this is what im going to do, no matter what, and no one is going to stop me! It should be enough to just say this is what i want to do and just do it. But the thing that throws me off is how easy it is to give up. What makes people, especially fitness chicks, what makes them want this and not want to give up? What makes them not want to eat what everyone else is eating and not give in and eat it anyway? Is it focus? Is it determination? Is it drive? Im just so used to giving up and settling. I want to finally do what i set out to do...cause right now, whatever i have been doing, isn't working....being able to push myself out of my comfort zone is something that i have to do...and simply put....maybe im just scared...and i don't want to be scared anymore....i want to do this. For myself and for others who think that i can't do it. To prove it to myself that i can be fit and strong and pretty and confident. All my life, i have been down on myself, hating myself, beating myself up...to undo all that will take time, i know...but that should be more of a reason to push myself, shouldn't it?
10 comments:
Angela,
A month ago I could have totally written these exact words. I was where you are now. But now, I am on the other side, the good side, the determined to succeed side. I don't know how I went from there to here....I wish I did because that way I would know the path to get the mind where it needs to be...future reference.
I hope you find you way to the good side!
=)
Forgive me if this gets too long won't you. I care, so I wanted to be honest, and open with you :-).
Angela, nobody can truly know how it feels to be someone else, in the kind of situation you're in but you.
I can't even say, you need to be looking for some kind of spiritual guidance, as I'm not spiritual, but one thing I know is, that mearly anyone who has a realistic goal, and that knowledge like you do, can overcome, and can succeed, if they really feel it, and if they really believe and trust in themselves.
You have always from day one shown me, you have the ability, and now the understanding to do this. You're a strong, capable woman.
Heck you're planning a wedding, and I would feel daunted if that was me, but you're doing it and coping so well.
Perhaps you could look at your body like you view your wedding.
Planning the progress in stages, and taking each stage at a time, and being careful to make the right decisions and do them well.
Or maybe, you just need to sit yourself down, and have some quality you time, to think things through, and give yourself more time, to really understand yourself, and really try to connect your mind to your goals, and get a good balance.
Whatever happens, there's never ever been a single doubt in my mind, that if you gave your all, you could do this.
I know that when you started this journey some months ago, you looked a true lady, and you look so much more radient, and slimmer since then, and I say this with respect, I knew that what you possessed were feminine, radient looks, and I knew your body could be the same standard as your looks.
I wouldn't change what I think about you as a person. Adam is marrying a shining star, and a really lovely woman / lady, and I've always been happy for you, and known that you are capable of what you want.
You don't need to fear anything, least of all yourself. It might be harder to maintain a great body, than it is to maintain great looks, but whilst you have a big heart, understanding, and a wonderful desire to re-design yourself physically, your body has a great chance to become all you want it to be.
I really wish I could tell you when that lightbulb moment happens, but for me, my start point was never one where I found the going hard. I just knew after a few weeks, when the shine started to wear off the experience, I needed to act, and I just increased my days, so I was eventually doing 5 and often 6 days, but I'm back to 5 now.
I've not always made workouts pay off, or made them as good as they could be, but I've bene solid for 2+ years now, almost complete dedication, and I've still got that fire, and mostly it's going on forums, and having the inspiration of good honest people like you, that helps to drive me, and keeps my mind submersed in this world, so I don't train then switch off.
You're one of the many reasons I do this, because I know if you can give a lot, and make clear visable, striking results happen, I can work to try and maintain what I've worked for, even if sometimes I haven't given 100%, and have made ignorant, or foolish choices regards my progress, though I learned from them all pretty much.
My goals will never be like yours, but I do have physical wants, and work for them, the same as you, so I knew when I discovered you, you were someone I could connect with, and not everyone I come across makes me feel connected to their journey, like you did.
So I know you're capable of this misses, I really do. I can't necessarily give you that piece of the Jigsaw that makes the picture indentifiable, and easier to complete, but I can tell you what I really think, which is despite the occasional rant, (you're human ist's okay), you're deep down a pretty strong, focused, determined person, and a really genuine and heartwarming person too, who has all it takes to be an athlete, and a wonderful bride and wife.
You aren't the first person to be like this. Someone looking for physical change, and getting close, and wondering why it doesn't happen, but when you work out how it doesn't happen, you're half way to changing things, as then you can work to solve the problems.
I know you're capable, and I know you CAN and WILL succeed.
I said this to someone else recently, as it just came to me yesterday, to try and create the the lifestyle A's for yourself.
1. Assess
2. Adapt
3. Achieve.
Sounds simple, but maybe it's more simple than it looks. In all the confusion, and chaos of different training styles, diet types etc etc, maybe it becomes a case of moving the mental clutter out of the way, and just giving your mind room to think, and making a few simple changes that work for you, instead of analysing it too much, and trying to look for many answers at a time.
Who knows?
The main thing is to believe in yourself. You've made great progress, so you're not a loser, you're a winner and a success.
You've stuck at this long after others would have fallen, and you've defined your future path, where others would see a what's the point of trying future, and you are a gritty fighter in many ways, and you made positive changes inside and out you CAN be proud of, even if you can only see the external changes, what you've done inside is wonderful, and you will benefit so much from those changes too.
So just trust in yourself, believe in your ability, keep pushing, and don't worry or fear it. You will sometimes slip or fall, but you CAN get up and keep walking, because you're not second best, you're Angela, intelligent, confident, strong woman, and you're marrying a guy who clearly must think you're everything he could want, no matter what other guys might want, he wants you, and he's chosen you, and proved he's worthy of you, and likewise you to he.
So don't worry, just take your time, and let your mind be your guide, and when you know how to continue succeeding, you'll make it happen.
You're doing really well, and the new profile pic proves that, and you should be very proud of what you've done, and I'm proud to have supported someone like you, and proud to know you're realising your dreams.
You're a wonderful, and capable person, so don't be too tough on yourself yeah, it's all good and it's GOING to be good :-) :-).
Best wishes
:-) :-).
Matt
Wow - what a great article and what a cathartic writing of your own. You are digging deep, you're doing the mental work, nothing but good can follow, unless you choose not to listen (which I can't possibly imagine!). This was your starting gun, I can't wait to see you surge ahead from here!
Wow Angela, where have I been, oh I have been working my string of nights, and not checking in on my fellow Tony Diva's.
Girl, you sound like me after I lost the weight with WW it took me 2 years to get back in the right frame of mind, figure out what I wanted and go for it! First of all, I have to say clean up the diet 100% go back to your first days with Tony, and just do it! I can't tell you how much I think the food was controling me, my mind, the clarity.
And now I am going to sound like Tony...but you have to see your dreams, find pictures of the perfect wedding, the perfect bride, the things you want, make a lists, and make a poster board, so you can see exactly what you are working toward everyday. Make a wedding poster, make a figure competitor poster...Is your creation, your vision worth the extra effort in the gym, is it worth more than the food? You deserve to create your future, and live your dreams! You can do this girl, you are worth it! Keep letting us know where you are at, we will help you get there, don't give up! You will be the bride of your dreams, you will be on that stage next year, I won't let you give up!
:) Tina
Loved your post. That is the 10 million $$$ question for everyone. If I could give you one piece of advice it would be routine, yes routine because I think that if you get yourself on a routine where you workout at the same time everyday and you know what your workouts will be you and know what your meals are going to be and plan and just do it. Then after 6-8 weeks you start to see results and you like those results so you just keep on going and pretty soon you are months into it and it becomes so routine it is like brushing your teeth. I am at the point where I cannot imagine missing a workout or eating something that is off plan. It has taken me a long time to get to that point but I cannot imagine my life any other way now.
I stay motivated by talking to people that are interested in fitness and health and who are positive.I read everything I can get my hands on and I think it really does help. The one other thing is to visualize what you want yourself to look like and keep going back to that picture in your mind even if it is fuzzy and you cannot quite see it just yet. Keep trying every chance you get. I try to do that and the picture is still fuzzy in my mind but I just keep doing it and I know that it will be clear soon and then there is no stopping me.
Happy Thanksgiving!
Wow. You took the words RIGHT out of my mouth. I am going through a similar situation, wondering WHY I can’t EXECUTE my plan.
I’ve got the “Set dreams/goals” step down right. . . . . . I’ve got the “Make a plan/have accountability” step down. . . . So all that is left is the “EXECUTE THE PLAN” step. . . . . now hear the crickets chirping . . . . . I don’t mean to be funny because it isn’t funny but that is exactly what is going on with me right now.
So like you, I ask myself WHY. Am I self-sabotaging? Am I afraid? Do I feel selfish for wanting to do this? Shallow even?
For me, I have come up with some possible explanations. The main one is that I DON’T VALUE losing weight enough to actually do it. The reason is because it actually goes AGAINST some of my values to lose weight. I know that sounds crazy so I will explain.
I very much believe in the value of MODERATION in most things. Obviously there are exceptions to every rule, but in a lot of things, (and I think eating comes in this category) practicing moderation is a valuable thing. And here’s the thing. I DON’T think that losing “those last 10 or 20 lbs” can be done with moderation in eating. I think it DOES require some “extremeness” and I struggle with that. I read the extreme things that dieters have to do to get where they want to go. I also read the article “No Turning Back” by Olesya Novik on the Muscle with Attitude site. That is NOT moderation. So this is a big road block for me and I haven’t been able to overcome this hurdle in my thinking.
Secondly, I value the OPPOSITE of self-absorption and obsessiveness. I value serving others. I fear becoming self-absorbed and/or obsessive while dieting. I don’t think that losing “those last 10 or 20 lbs” can be done without becoming at least partially self-absorbed and somewhat obsessive and I’m not OK with that either.
I also have fears. I fear slowing down my metabolism. And I actually think I fear success! I think I fear attention from men!! Honestly I get a little sick of women telling me they hate me because I not “fat” and men staring at me.
So those seem to be my reasons. Going against my values of moderation, putting others first and not being obsessed with my own goals. And my fears of slowing my metabolism, fear of being the target of hate from women and gawking from men.
Girl! If only I had the answers. If I could overcome these mental hurdles I think I could succeed. I think that is what is stopping me. Maybe we can figure out the answers together!
Uuuuugh! The name on the previous reply is wrong! How embarassing. That "David" name above is my husband's name. I must have signed on using is display name. My name is Gail!!!!
NOW I got it right! I made the "David" and "Anonomous" comments!! Please forgive my hilarious screw up!
LMAO!! OK I'm reading "David"s post and thinking....wow, this guy has so much insight on this subject....for a guy! LOL
I loved your post Angela, you ripped the words right out of my head (as did all the commenters!) I will have to come back and re read a couple times and find some clarity, and read that article!
Hi -
I'm taking my blog private. I tried to invite everyone I could think of, whose email address I have. Even if you aren't a regular reader I wanted to at least let you know you're invited, to let you know that I'm not trying to block you. If you're so inclined, send me your email address to amyella@gmail.com and I'll send you an invite.
Amyella :)
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