monday monday.....

Its monday...blech....and its raining.....double blech!

Weekend was nice. Didn't really do much on Friday night. We had Angelica from Friday-Saturday because she had a sleep-over at her friends house on Saturday night. This is going to start happening more often as she gets older. I hope Adam will be able to handle it!

Saturday, day, i had to get my teeth cleaned and then i ran to gnc and saturday night me and adam took a ride to Atlantic City to the casino. I was playing the poker machines for a bit and i was winning...not a whole lot money, mind you, maybe 70.00 or something, but i wound up putting most of it back...i cashed out at 18.00, so basically i spent 2.00 all night :) Oh, but the best part was the HO BAGS!!! I swear the girls today are pigs! They dress so slutty with everything hanging out with these big high heels on! Adam was enjoying it, but dont they understand what skanks they look like???? (Reason #585 not to have children...LOL..i really should make a list...hehe)

Sunday, i did my saturday workout (shoulders and biceps) and 50 minutes of cardio. Then i went to my parents house for dinner (i brought my own) and then ran to the grocery store, at 8:00 last night....why so late??? Tony changed up my diet finally!!!! Im doing a "A" "B" schedule, back and forth...one day lower calorie, the next higher....hopefully it will jump start my weight loss again!

He also upped my cardio to 45 minutes of extra cardio 5xs a week! This ought to be fun!!!!

Im hungry right now, but its almost time for me to eat again...thank god!!! And tomorrow i get brown rice and Yams!!!!! Im so excited!!!

And i have to take ANOTHER supplement.....i never even heard of it until yesterday.

Oh, and my front tooth chipped again! I was just at the dentist getting it fixed last tuesday, and it broke off already!!!! WTF! Now i cant get back there until Thursday at 4:45!!!

i never posted pics from my sister's baby shower...i will have to do that later....she is getting so big and she is uncomfortable! Only a few more weeks until im an Aunt!!! YAY! Oh, and my brother's girlfriend is also due very soon! Her "mucus plug"??? (EWWW) came out on saturday. i think that means she is going to go into labor soon.....so yes i will be an aunt 2xs in one month!!! AND im the godmother for both kids!!!! They must think i have money or something...LOL!

its wednesday already????

Geeze...i just realized that i haven't posted since Friday!!!

Well workouts are going great....and I have even got extra cardio in every night!!!

Easter was nice...eating wasn't....but i wasn't too bad....usually i go wayyyyy overboard and im a big bloated pig afterwards...but i ate small....very little portions of everything that i wanted and that was it.....and as far as dessert, i only had two bite sized snickers and coffee.....but since monday i have been clean...i gave Adam all the extra candy that was left over from the easter baskets to take into work...i cant have it in the house. I just cant. i eat it if its there...i have no willpower when its in front of me and im starving...i will just grab it out of convenience and habit more than anything...its not like i would even be craving chocolate.....but if its there i will eat it. Plain and simple.

I found a figure competitor in my area and i am going to take posing classes with her in a few weeks. She told me to start about 8 weeks out...and that i should order my suit as soon as possible. I dont want to order my suit though until i feel a little more confident in my body. I still hate myself and feel too big.....i think that once i get through the next two weeks or so with no cheats i will feel better and be able to take pics and send them to the girl who does the suits.

I didn't go to work yesterday. On Monday afternoon my front tooth broke (well it had broke before and it was bonded)...well the bonding broke, so i had to go to the dentist yesterday morning and then i just took the rest of the day off and got some shopping done. I needed fish, oatmeal, chicken, asparagus, lettuce and egg whites....so im all stocked up again for the rest of the week :)

This is my workout schedule this week:

Monday: legs and cardio
Tuesday: cardio
Wednesday: chest and cardio
Thursday: Back and triceps and extra cardio
Friday: Shoulders and biceps and extra cardio
Saturday: legs and cardio
Sunday: cardio---if up to it :)

I dont know what is up with legs two times in one week???? I do need all the help i can get on my legs though....i wonder when my diet will change???? Im thinking pretty soon.....Tony had called me on Friday but I missed his call and hopefully i will get in touch with him soon.

I also think that i am going to order a smaller heel for my shoes for the comp...i have the 5 inch, and i just have so much trouble walking in them....i think the 4 will be fine....

Oh, we got a new TV too...its a 46 inch plasma....its really nice....and now he got the Sony Playstation too because it has the Blue Ray player in it....watch...next will be surround sound...LOL!

fire

Well im back with a vengence!!! Extra cardio really makes a difference....mentally and physically!!!

I weighed in a day early...i just felt thinner..and im back in the teens!!!!! 119.....yay! God that feels so good!!!

Ok, i will post more later.......oh and i found someone who competes in my area and she does posing and make-up etc....VERY EXCITED ABOUT THAT!!!!

Thanks

Thank you everyone for all your support. You are all great friends...i know this whole crazy ride is mental and i was just telling April that i am trying to get my head on straight. I am realizing that when you eat totally clean you really do feel better emotionally and it pushes you harder and makes you more confident. So i have been emailing Tony back and forth and we are going to get a "coaching call" in this week sometime....but i already feel better just knowing that he understands and that i am back on track with my eating. I really do feel 100% better when i eat right.....eating crap makes you feel like crap...plain and simple :)

I really don't think it is a matter of having stuff in the house....that doesn't bother me...i wont touch it...its going out....that is what is hard....parties and holidays and just going out to dinner....the only place i can go out to dinner is Applebees i think...tilapia and broccoli....other than that.....everywhere you go, is going to be dangerous. Even going to my mom's for dinner....they don't understand what i am doing, never will, and they think eating 100 calorie cupcakes are ok(wellthey are yummy....but still...LOL) you get my point.

I had legs yesterday morning and then when i got home from work i did another 45 minutes on my lovely new treadmill.....

I had chest this morning and my heaviest is still only 85 pounds....i really want to try and up it next time...even if it is by 5 pounds.....

it is so weird how you can feel so horrible one day and on top of the world the next day....emotions are a funny thing....and i guess that is why you blog...so that you can look back and think about what a crazy person you were at a certain time...LOL!



I am going to stay strong and try my best to eat clean....there is only one way that I (or any of us) are going to succeed....and its got to be all in your mind....Tony is trying to teach me that and it is really hard.....but i know i will get there slowly but surely....

thanks again :)

food

Ok...well this weekend was not good eating wise.....and i have sent a looong email to Tony to confess.....im not going to get into specifics of what i ate, but lets just say that someone who wants to compete in 3 1/2 months should not be eating bad like i did. Adam called me out on it.....and as harsh as he may have been, it was the truth and you know what? The truth hurts sometimes, but then it might be exactly what you need to kick yourself in the butt and get your shit together!

I have come to a conclusion that i have a very hard time with eating and self esteem. I eat something wrong and i feel bad and then i eat more. Part of me is starting to think that i am self sabotaging myself so that i cant succeed and do a comp like i want. I dont know why though...am i afraid to actually like myself? To finally be happy and not have to complain? Is it that i am afraid of getting positive attention rather than negative? What am i so afraid of? I think i am afraid of failure...so why not fail now....but that is what has to change. I do want to compete more than anything.....and nothing should be stopping me.....but then i go and eat crap. This has been such an ongoing merry-go-round for years and years. But i have to get off this ride and stand tall and proud and feel good about myself for once.

I am making no progress and its all my fault...i know this....i do....then why do i let it continue??

These are the thoughts that constantly haunt me.....

I talk and i talk.....but i need to act instead.

I use all of these excuses when i eat something off plan....i am PMSing, i had to go to a party, its a holiday, i was starving and there was nothing else to get....over and over again.....so now its another month going by with no progress.....lose a pound or two, gain it back...over and over....and it has to end.....

I am actually getting tired of hearing myself in my own head!! LOL!! Its like, just shut up and do it already!!!

Im sorry, im just going off today.....but me and Adam had this discussion last night and its all fresh in my head......

Basically what we were talking about was that if i eat something off plan, and i don't tell Tony, that Tony can't fix what he doesn't think is broken, and if have a weigh in and i dont lose anything, Tony doesn't know what the problem is....which Adam is right....but then i get scared to tell Tony....which shouldn't be a problem because im the idiot who is paying him and not following his program...so he is just making easy money off me.....which is what is pissing Adam off...that im paying Tony this money every month and not making any progress...but i was trying to explain this to Adam that its my fault, not Tony's and he said that i shouldn't pay for something that im not doing correctly....he said if you were seeing changes and losing weight then he could see me spending the money, but if im not making any progress, im just throwing money out the window...which, again, he is right.....

so....i have to buckle down....and prove to myself that i can actually do this and be happy.....Adam says that there is no way that i will be able to get in comp shape in less than 16 weeks......well if i cant then, there is always the show in August that i can do......

I know that no one can help me but me and i know that no one can make me eat bad but me.

I know all of these things......i do......god, its such a mental thing, and its so hard......i will get through this.....i know i will.....

*******************************

And all of these problems stem from yesterday mostly......i had my sister's baby shower all day...and there were cakes and cookies and i made chocolate covered fruit and pretzel tray...which i didnt eat from that, but...i cant be around sweets....at all.....and Easter is on Sunday.....eeeek!!!!

Ok, im pooped out from writing......its only going to get harder i know......but i will do this...i promise :)

note to self

It is so hard to have a positive mindset. Why is that? My whole adult life i have constantly downed myself, found myself unworthy, ugly, fat, etc....and trying to stay positive all the time is so difficult. I automatically fall back into negative. If i eat something that i shouldn't, instead of blowing it off, i feel like a big fat failure who will never be able to accomplish what i want to accomplish. I look at other girls' progresses and then i look at myself and see nothing and i get sad and want to give up. Thinking that i will never be able to do what i want to do. I read and post more about exercising and eating right than i actually do it. I need to get my head on straight and realize that if i go off my program at any time during the day, that, that is the reason for my failures. I can't get that "its just one bite, it wont hurt" mentality out of my head!!! I have to or i will fail....i know i have to stop and focus on my goal...that is the only way that i am going to get what i want....it has to be all or nothing!! Right?

I drink enough water, i take my supplements, i exercise every day....and it is all my fault that i dont see the changes that everyone sees in themselves....food is the reason...the ONLY reason that i am not losing.

I am going to focus on my eating. I am going to write every morsel of food that enters my mouth! I have to hold myself accountable for my actions. Only one person is going to be getting on that stage in 3 1/2 months in this little bathing suit with stones on it!! ME!!!! and I cant make a fool out of myself in front of a lot of people, including my family and friends.....because the only person it is going to hurt is myself....

So as a pep talk to myself....

GET WITH THE PROGRAM GIRL!!!! THIS IS IT...YOU HAVE A SHOW TO DO AND A TRACKER CHALLENGE TO WIN!!!! NO MORE CHEATING!!!!!! PUSH HARDER EVERYDAY!!! EXTRA CARDIO IS A MUST!!!! YOU WILL HAVE YOUR TREADMILL IN YOUR BASEMENT IN ONE MORE DAY...THERE ARE NO MORE EXCUSES!!!!!! IF YOU WANT TO LOOK LIKE THIS.....

YOU HAVE TO WORK HARD FOR IT!!!!! NO MORE EXCUSES!!!!

ok, back to your regularly scheduled blog......


I had chest today.....my weight still isn't that high....my heaviest is only 85 pounds....i dont know if that is good or bad, but i am thinking bad.....

so, from this point forward, no more negativity...if you hear me talking negatively...smack me!

tgif

I cant believe i haven't posted in three days...its hard to keep up with reading all the blogs, posting on tracker, and actually doing some work...LOL!

Workouts have been good....eating has been too....little picking here and there and i think that is what is really hindering my weight loss. I have to weigh in tomorrow and Tony wants me at 119....we shall see...

but as far as the food goes, i think that the little things that aren't on plan are the things that need to be stopped...example.....at dinner when i have a salad... i put a few walnuts and some avocado in it....that probably is not good.....eating popcorn at night....that has to stop too.....

I had legs today....i am going to be feeling the pain for the next few days im sure.....

I finally bought my treadmill...it should be delivered hopefully sometime next week. They are supposed to contact me within 72 hours to set up a date to come out....i want it now!!! I wish that i had a truck to pick it up! It would have saved me $100.00 for delivery and set up...but this way i know that it will be done right and i dont have to agonzie putting it together myself. Its probably so simple too!! Oh, well....

I entered the Co-Diva tracker challenge...i have to take pics tomorrow....that ought to be good.

I am just not seeing any changes in my body and its starting to get to me....i should be looking a little bit different by now...nothing, nada...

Im less than 4 months out from comp and i have a ton of fat to get rid of by that time....if im not ready for june 28th show, at least there is a show in August i can do..the girl who does the suits told me that i have to order my suit by the beginning of april and she wants pics and measurements too! Here are the two suits that i am liking right now....but for either design i like the blue i think....but when i was at the Arnold, i saw a pink suit and that looked really nice too...so now im not sure.....

Gotta stay positive right??? I have to just keep thinking about Jamie Eason's stomach for motivation....

Weekend

Well I (we) had an incredible, fun weekend at the Arnold and with April!! I knew from when she picked me up at the airport (stop, April...im behind you...LOL) that things would be great! She is so sweet and friendly and we got along perfectly! Thank you again April for being my friend :)
and Boomer is soo cute....(i forgot to get a pic of her!!)

We got to meet Tina, who was also wonderful and i am so glad that she and her husband made the extra trip to come and see us!!! We probably could have stood around and talked forever! I think we hugged and said goodbye and started talking again about 10 times!!

Me, April and Jamie :)
Me & Monica Brant
Me, April and Tina :)
Alicia Marie



Me & Tracy

Tosca Rena

Elaine Goodlad


I met the two people i wanted to meet by 11:00 am (Monica and Jamie)...after that i was happy and whoever i saw after that was just icing on the cake!!

Meeting Jamie Eason was my goal and that was met.....she is so tiny!!!! Im getting the pic of the three of us (me, april and Jamie) blown up and framed :) She is awesome!!

My flight was delayed and hour coming home for some reason..but that was ok, cause i got to spend more time with April :) ----I hope i didn't mess up your day too much!

I emailed Tony my weigh in today since i didn't get a chance to on saturday...he wants me at 119 by Saturday! Well after seeing Jamie's stomach, my desire to kick it up has increased!! I think i can get that tiny....well half as tiny would do just fine :)