well

Where do I even begin?

And its my fault for not blogging more...cause now its all lost in my brain somewhere...

Lets just see where this goes....

I had a couple of days where my eating wasn’t “on target” and of course as soon as that happens it all goes downhill...I got my period on Saturday and I was crampy and icky and bloated....Tony wanted me to have pics and weigh in to him on Saturday because Sunday was going to be my last free meal.....new diet started today! So far so good.....we shall see...its pretty easy and basic. Im sure I will lose something this week....im trying to keep my water intake up so I can flush all this crap out of my system. I never took pics and he texted me and said “are you forgetting something?” I said no way are you getting pics this week! Im a big bloated mess! You have to wait! LOL!

Yesterday I had to go to court for adam’s brother....he got arrested and loooong story short, he was attacked by 3 junkie neighbors who have been threatening him and he had a little pocket knife on him and he cut 2 of the 3 that were jumping him and 3 months later he got arrested...yeah, 3 months! I have never heard of such a thing! So anyway, he is in jail and his hearing was yesterday and now he has another court date at the end of the month...so we shall see what happens....but he cant post bail because its 10% of $250,000 which is 25,000.....no one has that....so he is stuck in that hell hole for protecting himself! Its crazy! And so sad...the junkies are on the street and his brother is in jail......freaking legal system sucks sometimes!

And then I had to go to the hospital...Angelica had a little cyst on her cheek and it got infected and they had to take it out, so she had the outpatient procedure done yesterday afternoon....so I had to eat lunch at the cafeteria...no good choices...me and adam split a sandwich...egg salad and chicken salad on wheat....not good cause you know the salads are made with mayo...but it was either that or pizza.....everything went well with the surgery and she is feeling ok...i took this after she came out of anesthesia....hence the silly face :)

On the fitness front....workouts are great.....had legs on monday.....tuesday(yesterday) just did cardio for an hour and today was shoulders.

I really want to do this show in September but im not sure how that is going to go...I have to send him pics on Sunday to see what he says....

I have a lot of fat on me, but I think I can do it...if not then I don’t know what show I can possibly do!

Also, im trying to write down all my goals....its harder than i thought....once i get all my "ducks in a row" i will post them.....

We shall see....i got a little less than 9 weeks to bust my ass!!!

PUSH

As i sit here at my desk, ready to go home for the day, i realized that all i wanted to do was post on my blog and time just got away from me....

I am here and i am trying to get that fire under my butt again....i am almost there.....and i will get there.....i do not want to let another "show date" go by again and im sitting at home filled with regret....i am going to push myself for the next 10 weeks to see what happens ;)

And i am hoping to have another show under my belt after that one too.....if possible....i am working on it....

I am going to try and do an outline of my goals for the next 10 weeks and i am going to do my best to stick to them like glue!

I copied this from my friend Tara She always posts such motivational things that really help me !(its not the whole post but i hope she doesn't mind ;) But it motivated me so much! I had to post it here so that i can re-read it over and over :) Maybe it will motivate someone else too :)

Are you going to take the EASY WAY OUT?

Are you going to go BACK to the OLD YOU that thinks they MIGHT COMPETE?

YOU'RE HERE BECAUSE YOU ARE GOING TO COMPETE.

You're here BECAUSE AT SOME POINT, you KNEW you had the FURY AND THE FIRE TO PUSH THROUGH AND GET IT DONE.

It's a matter of WEEKS OF YOUR LIFE.

WEEKS.

Are you going to tell me that you can't PUSH for a matter of WEEKS to get to that ONE GOAL you REALLY, REALLY WANT?

THIS IS NOT AN UNACHIEVEABLE, 'SOMEDAY' goal.

THIS is a goal that REQUIRES your ATTENTION right NOW. Not tommorow, and certainly not when 'things get easier'.

You have to GRAB YOUR OWN TORCH and put some CHANGE into motion.

AND YOU NEED TO START WITH YOUR HEAD.

No one does this because they were born to do it.

SO WHY NOT YOU?

Why can't YOU be on stage, too? Why can't YOU shred the bodyfat and show ripped muscle?

The people standing on stage next to you on that COMPETITION DATE in the future ARE TRAINING TODAY. They are TRAINING TOMORROW, and RIGHT NOW.....you are EVEN with them.

Don't let them pull ahead and SHOW UP ON YOUR COMPETITION DAY while you scan the internet PICTURES at HOME because you didn't MAKE IT TO THAT STAGE.

That is YOUR DATE....YOUR DATE to SHOW your family, friends, and YOURSELF that you're not on some LOWER RUNG....

Competitors are JUST PEOPLE. They are NOT BETTER OR MORE ADVANTAGED THAN YOU.

THE REASON YOU GET TO STAGE IS BECAUSE YOU PUSHED THROUGH for THAT MANY WEEKS, and you kept YOURSELF FIRED AND CONSISTENT--KNOWING EVERY WEEK COUNTS.

SO PUSH.

MAKE IT HAPPEN.

START CLIMBING.

GET MAD AND GET FOCUSED.

GETTING TO YOUR GOAL IS GOING TO BE DEPENDENT ON HOW HARD YOU CHOOSE TO FIGHT.

DO YOU BELIEVE IN YOURSELF?

ARE YOU GOING TO PROVE THEM WRONG?

LOOK AT YOUR GOALS THAT YOU WROTE DOWN.

TELL ME...ARE YOU A COMPETITOR or are you PLAYING DRESS UP??
PUSH AND GET TO THAT STAGE. IT's WEEKS AWAY.

thursday :)

I am so happy that i have off tomorrow and monday :) Not that i have any plans but its nice just knowing that i can relax and do what i want for the next few day!

Didn't do my treadmill last night but i took a nice long outside walk, which was nice for a change. I dont think it was an hour but it was something!

This morning i had biceps/triceps at the gym....felt strong but my weight isnt going up much lately.

I really want to be able to do this show in September, but still not sure if its doable yet....we will see.

We stopped at my sister's last night on our walk and saw the baby...he crawls underneath the dining room table and takes his toys under there like a fort..so the big goofball that i am, i crawl under there with him...he was so excited....then he goes out from there and then i go to follow him and im in the area where he cant get back in, so he tries to pull me out, cause i was in his way! LOL! It was so funny! Then i get out and then he goes in behind me and then starts to pull me back in again! Crazy baby! He is so freaking cute! I just love that face!!!

oh well...i get out of work at 2:00 today....im doing my cardio when i get home so i can relax the rest of the night :)

checking in

i had to come and post so everyone doesn't think i dropped off the face of the earth :)

Everything is going well with eating and working out! Weight is still around 113! Im trying not to get upset about it though....

My refinance for my house went through on monday, so im excited about that! Now i can pay off all my stupid credit cards and be free :)

My treadmill is acting up.....its jerking while im on it...while the belt is running alone, it seems fine..its when im on it, then its doing it....and if i put my hands on the side rails its fine??? Weird i know...but i cant afford for my treadmill to go....i have too much to do!!

No plans for the weekend :( But its fine! I even took off on monday to have a long weekend...so we shall see what happens :)

I am really trying to get things together so i can do the show in September but i am not sure that my body will be cooperating with me....i have to get my mind more focused on the goal...i feel like im wishy washy with my mindset for some reason....i remember how i was weeks out before i did the show in November....i was on fire! But i also have to take into consideration that i had 3 other girls competing with me and pushing me every single day....whether it be from April's 5:3o wake-up call to get my ass on the treadmill or the 8000 emails we had going all day! Whatever it was, i was so much more focused on what had to be done than i do now!

I know i just need to sit and write down my goals and what i need to do to get there in the next 10 weeks...and hopefully it will be possible :)

what a week!

I have so many things in my head and I want to write everything out but I run out of time, all the time.

Week went by really fast....again.

I ate 100% clean everyday.....pretty proud of myself....LOL! I think I got all my cardio in too....I think I missed one night...but it was the day that I did 30 in the morning so I got some of it in.

I have been doing a lot of reading on the “how much cardio one should be doing” when doing a show. I hear so many different conflicting things its crazy! It ranges from 2-30 minute HIIT sessions a day every day, to 2 hours a day, to 30 minutes 3-4 days a week.

You are supposed to trust your trainer that he knows what he is doing....if he is telling you that you need to do an hour a day 6xs a week then do it....if he says do 45 min 2xs a day you do it. All these figure girls blogs and posts that you read are doing a lot of cardio before a show...apparently it has to be done. But then I was on the Bodysport forums and there was a discussion about how much cardio, and they were saying how you should only have to do 30 min 3-4 times(HIIT) a week to lose fat. Honestly, for the amount of fat that I have on my lower body, I cant see doing that little amount of cardio getting rid of what needs to be gone! One of the little videos on there I think it was Jamie Meade...she said she had to trim down her legs for Jr Nationals and she did “A LOT” of running.....so im sure it is necessary. Im not complaining about doing it at all....sometimes I really don’t mind doing it.....sometimes I enjoy it....sometimes I hate it!

But if I have any plans on doing this show in September, I really need to keep it up. I have to do everything I can to keep moving forward. I know I can do this if I keep positive. Yesterday I was reading Stacey’s post and at the bottom of it, it has that little “other posts you may like” or however its worded....it was her Muscle in the City recap.....I laughed and got so emotional reading that again! I was totally reliving that moment as I read it.....I couldn’t stop smiling! That was probably one of the most wonderful, exciting, awesome moments in my life and time will never erase my memories of that weekend!!! I wish I could compete with the 3 of them over and over again! (Hint, Hint...LOL!)

This post was totally rambling and I don’t even know where the hell I was going with this but it is what it is I guess..

One thing I do have to say is I am so upset about Michael Jackson! My sister called me yesterday and said “did you hear Michael Jackson died?” I was like WHAT???? I turned on E! Because they always have the breaking news at the bottom of the screen(which is how I found out Heath Ledger died...I had the channel on and when that came across the screen! My heart dropped on that one!)(off subject...sorry)....and then I read it......I couldn’t believe it!!! I had the chills....got all teary eyed......so sad!!!!! He will be missed!!!!!!!!! He was a magical performer and even though he had a lot of issues and controversy surrounding him, I never thought bad of him and continued to support him. How could anyone really dislike Michael Jackson? He changed music and videos forever! Its so depressing!!! (but he totally stole Farrah Fawcetts thunder....sorry Farrah!)

a few b-day pics

Just a few pics from saturday!

I will post later :)


Angelica

blowing out the candles with my nephew nicky...notice his shirt...my sister got that shirt and put it on him cause the dog on their looks like my dog :)

Me, Adam, Angelica and Nicky


My brother's girlfriend Alice holding my niece Alaina, and me and angelica and nicky


Me, Angelica and Nicky :) My arms look fat! Gross!!

I found this today.....i like it :)

Everything counts! Everything you do today, every decision you make, every thought you have, every action you engage in, has some kind of consequence somewhere in your future. Without measurable, specific goals for each important area of your life, these decisions, thoughts and actions become nothing more than a random exercise in futility.

Make a conscious decision today to take control of your life. Instead of maintaining a habit of procrastination, develop a bias for action! Remember, goal setting is not about timing; it's about decisions. It's not about luck or chance; it's about determination and hard work. Being athletic isn't just about how much talent you have. It's about being persistent in every aspect.

Another year older...still trying to get wiser ;)

Where do I begin?

Well yesterday I turned 37 years old. How the hell did I turn 37??? It seems like yesterday when i was in high school!!!

We had my cake and dinner at my parents house on Saturday night. My mom made homemade pizza and it was so good! Dessert was a rocky road pie that my sister made for me and ice cream cake.....oh, and my brother-in-law made me rice crispy treats ;)

On Sunday (father’s day) was my real birthday...we had Angelica from Saturday and when we got up they gave me my birthday cards and a gift card from VS and a candle (I already got my tv on Thursday). We then had breakfast and then we had to get done because Angelica had to be home by 1:30 to get her hair done for the recital. So after we dropped her off we had like 3 hours to kill before the show, so we went to the mall and walked around there for a bit and then went to this little park and walked around there. They had these cute little bridges and adam took some pics and then there were swings! Oh you know I got on them! LOL! It was so much fun!

The recital was nice....after that we went and got sushi. I treated Adam since I didn’t get him anything for father’s day..even though it was my birthday ;) Im such a good wife! LOL!

I will try and post some pics later....my sister used her camera for most of the pics so I have to get her to e-mail them to me.

*********

Now...onto my crazy brain and figure shows......

I know I make myself crazy but I know how I am and I do this to myself every time.....I was reading over my blog and I am such a broken record its ridiculous...If I didn’t have some good stuff and pics in this blog I would erase the whole damn thing cause I hate myself! All it is, over and over again, is excuse, after excuse of why I didn’t do something, or why I ate something I shouldn’t have, over and over again!

I don’t even know why anyone reads me because I cant stand myself!

I set a goal for myself and I broke it, and then I make a later one...and I fucked that one up too....now for the only show that is left in my area in September is now a little under 11 weeks out and I texted Tony and told him that and he wants pics and said that depending what they are like and what my weight is at the end of the week we will see if its even possible.....honestly I should look like a freaking rock star by now and I am a fat little troll.....well I know im not fat, im still probably around 113 (but after the way I ate this weekend probably 115) ...but he wants me at 110 before he can even make a decision....and that makes me think that I cant do it....

I am going to put forth 110% from this point forward and see what happens.....all cardio will be done, all workouts will be complete, all food will be on target....

I am so tired of hearing myself talk about it, it makes me sick.....this is it....do or die.....if I cant get to where I need to be after this, then I don’t know what im going to do, but at least I will know that I gave it my best shot and I didn’t quit again for the 100th time!

Im going to put a countdown clock up....I am hopeful that I can do this....but I have a lot of work ahead of me......

LETS DO THIS.....NO EXCUSES, IM DONE WITH THEM.....LETS SEE WHAT I AM REALLY MADE OF....LETS SEE IF I HAVE THE DRIVE IN ME TO DO THIS!!!

Its friday :)

I am sitting here trying to digest my lunch and do some work....i realized i haven't blogged again since tuesday so i figured i would update real quick...

Yesterday was legs...i did 30 min EMC and 30 minutes after work....ooh...personal high on leg press....385 :)

Today was biceps/triceps....man i want some muscle! BAD!!!! No more flabby arms!!!

Anyway....i bought Flex mag today at lunch....they have a whole NPC/IFBB section...i think its a fairly new addition to the mag....i like it :)

This weekend (sunday) I turn 37....um....yeah....im old......i dont look it (i dont think) and i certainly dont act it.....its only a number right????

My darling hubby bought me a 19 inch flat for the basement so i dont die while im on the treadmill....the music gets old....this will help the time go by....thank you hubby :) It was either the tv or the itouch.....i wanted that too but i will get more use out of the tv :)

My mom is having dinner for me tomorrow since father's day is sunday....she asked me what i wanted...i asked Tony if i could switch my free day to tomorrow instead of sunday...he said of course ;) I really dont know what i want....i asked my mom to make me her homemade pizza :) its really good....but if its too much work for her, just order pizza..that will be fine! I dont want to put her out!

I guess thats all i got....i will try and take some b-day pics over the weekend and post them on sunday :)

dang...another week went by!

Im getting bad at this blogging stuff....its another week....I suck!

I don’t even know where to begin.....

Nothing really exciting going on.....

Friday I had a mini breakdown......I don’t even know where it came from. I just felt sad and I got all upset and Adam was asking me what was wrong.....it was so many things going on in my head at one time.....

Why am I doing this? Am I too old for this? Im going to be 37 on Sunday.....is it all worth it? Will I ever look like a figure competitor? I have no muscle, I have cellulite on my ass...will it ever go away...then I have all the guilt with food....I cant eat that? God forbid I ever have a piece of pizza! Why cant I just have some m&ms...etc....and then I also have all of the pressure of what people think of me....if they see me eating something im not supposed to...are they thinking “she cant handle this” I knew she couldn’t do it....or just me opening my mouth saying that im competing and then don’t do it...were they thinking in the back of their heads that they knew I would never be able to do it and they were right? Or even the “how could you eat that way all the time” don’t you ever want to eat something different? Or why are you doing this to yourself? Then the people who DO believe in me....and I don’t go through with it....am I letting them down? Adam? Me? My family? My trainer? All those who support me?

Its all so much!!!!

So we talked it out.....and I am just going to take one day at a time...that is all I can do!

******

After my meltdown I was fine ;)

Saturday we were invited over friends of ours for dinner..They grilled...I made rice crispy treats (yes I had one dang it)...but my meal was good...I had a turkey burger ( I brought mine) and grilled shrimp and scallops and string beans, and then we watched “Taken”...it was really good.....definitely see it if you haven’t already! Pretty scary shit!

Sunday—we took Angelica overnight to Atlantic City so I took off work and the gym yesterday. We drove over to Ocean City and walked on the boardwalk and for my cheat meal I had pizza...glorious pizza(actually, to be honest, it was good, but thinking back on it now, I could have done without...but while it was going down it was good ;)...LOL) Then I had a Kohrs Bros frozen yogurt :) YUM!

We walked on the beach yesterday but we didn’t have our bathing suits because it was chilly in the morning so we checked out and put the bags in the car so we had to just go to the beach in our clothes and just walked around for a bit...it was nice :)

This morning was shoulders at the gym.....I worked them hard! But I think I pinched a nerve or something because after I got done I felt my right arm was a little numb and my shoulder was killing me!!! At lunch I went and had a chair massage for 20 minutes...felt really good but now its starting to hurt again....I will take something later....

Well I guess that is all I got right now....I promise to be more positive and happy and blog more :)