i cant believe its thursday already!

TODAY'S MOTIVATION!


I talked to Tony today. He was asking me how my mindset was...i told him that im on this time...ready to do my best! He was going to change up my diet on monday but he changed his mind and he wants me to weigh in tomorrow instead and he is going to forward me my new diet.....he is taking away my yams :( But part of me doesnt care because they are a pain in the ass to cook all the time...LOL! And i think there is going to be a lot of fish on there...I asked him about the tilapia issue (if you dont know about it...new studies have shown that the farm raised tilapia has as much fat as 3 donuts or a serving of bacon! Whatever they are feeding them, isn't good and the saturated fats are through the roof!!!!---just do a search on "farm raised tilapia" and you will see....) and he told me not to eat it...stay with flounder, salmon (only once a week) and cod, roughy, etc....so he wants to keep me on this for the next few weeks to see how i do....i really need to start dropping weight. Im probably around 116 or so....but i will let you know tomorrow :)

I will be 13 weeks out this saturday!!!!

Eating is on....i had legs this morning....on the plate loaded leg press....

20x115
15x135
6x155
6x185

Very proud of myself :) I know that may be weak for some people...but i was happy!

All that i keep thinking about is that video that Kelly O posted of Gina Allotti doing the leg extension machine...and the muscles in her quads!!!! WOW!

oooh, i bought a new yankee candle at lunch today...vanilla cupcake...it smells sooo good!!!!!! YUM!!!!

One piece went back to Amy today....i cant wait to see that suit finished...it is going to be gorgeous!!!!

getting there

"Discipline is the bridge between goals and accomplishments"



Well this saturday i will be 13 weeks out...which SHOULD give me enough time to be stage ready!

I have been a good girl with my eating...and i have got in extra cardio every day :)

I have a lot of fat to lose and it will go away! I am willing it to ;)

I have to take pics and weigh in on saturday....if the pics aren't nasty...maybe i will post them.

Oh, and i paid for the first half of my one piece too!

Im tired and my ankle hurts a little...but im not complaining :) Im just going with it.

I want to see my abs and my quads and my shoulders.....

i promise to take good care of them if they come out to play :) LOL!

One of the girls i work with is leaving today.....so we are all going out for a drink after work.....mine will be a diet coke :)

Then when i get home...its cardio time! YAY...NOT!

scales

Well i had bought a new scale a few months ago....all nice, digital, does body fat, etc...


well i weighed myself this morning...and it seemed higher than usual...117.4 (panic) and then i moved it out a bit...97.6 (yay...but not right)....moved it again...121.6....moved it again....112.4.....moved it again...117.5....WTH????

So up and down the hallway i went trying play with this thing.....is this why they say dont weigh yourself???? Cause you are going to throw the damn scale down the stairs????

So i have no idea what i weigh.....and i gave my old scale to my friend....ARRRRGGGGHHH!

wednesday

I want to try and keep my positive mindset....so with that in mind....above is Tara...she is my motivation....i want to look half as good as her....we are the same age, and she is only an inch or two taller than me...LOL! So this is what im aiming for.....i need visuals :) HOw awesome is she????


Today was chest....dont really like working chest that much but i get through it ok.

I didn't get up for EMC this morning (sorry April) but we had thunder and lightening storms and the pup was tippity tapping all over the place so we had to put him on the bed, and then i had to go to the bathroom.....so my broken sleep messed up my night. Oh, and Tony had sent me a weight loss MP3 and i listened to that before bed and i think it made me too tired this morning...i was all groggy and like a big log!

I really should log my workouts and meals on here too....so i have a record of it all.

lets see

M1-oatmeal and egg whites (what else is new?)
M2-turkey burger and asparagus
M3-chicken and yams
M4-protien shake
M5-fish and broccoli
M6-post workout shake

Really, i dont have to post it everyday...since its the same thing every day :)

I guess just maybe my workouts...LOL!

Chest

Hammerstrength incline press
25x28 (20 + it says 8lb starting weight)
20x38
6x48
6x48
20x28

Incline Chest Press
35x15lb
30x30
12x30

Flat DB Flies
25x10s
20x12s

cable Flies
12-12
12x24

Starting cardio-bike-10 min
Ending cardio-stepper-10

I did get in 45 minutes last night on the treadmill.....

have to do the same tonight :)

mindset

Its funny when you have a different outlook on something how your whole mindset changes.

Being focused is a hard thing for me....staying positive is also extremely hard for me.

I am doing both......and i will continue to do so for the next 101 days.....

Shoulder workout this morning....had a few different exercises with cardio intervals in between....kicked my butt....I loved it :)

So instead of this blog becomming a bitch fest, it is going to be my accountability to myself to get my ass on that stage!

Postive Positive Positive!!!!

That is the only way that i can do this....staying strong and focused.....

When i get home tonight i have to cook more food and do my cardio....

It was so much better doing the cardio as soon as i got home as opposed to waiting until after dinner....i was done by 6:45(ish) and i didn't have to worry about it...i was done! So i am going to try and keep it up that way...the only thing i felt bad was that Adam was starving by the time i got done cooking.....if i have to sacrifice,then he does too ;)

ok....

The weekend was nice. We had Angelica the whole weekend. Friday night i made dinner and we just hung out. Saturday, we went to go and see Wall-E and then we went to Applebees. I just had a salad with chicken on it and dressing on the side. When i got home i was on the computer and my buddy Tina sent me a very inspiring and motivational email (thanks girl :) And of course, seeing pictures of Tara (tracker) competing really made me sit down and think about what i want. Then i was able to talk to Tony on Sunday afternoon and we talked about it too. And what it comes down to basically is this.....

WHAT DO I WANT TO ACHIEVE AND AM I GOING TO DO WHAT IT TAKES TO ACHIEVE IT???

That is what it all comes down to....how bad do i want it? Is eating something fattening or salty worth my dream? NO! And that is what i have to keep in my head! This is what i want....i want to get on that stage and shine....to prove to myself that i can do something that only a certain percentage of people can do! I am so tired of hearing myself TALK about doing it...i have to just DO IT! No, ifs, ands or butts! If i want to achieve this dream, i have to go out there and sacrifice alot, but i think that the outcome will overpower the sacrifices, dont ya think?

Well here it is....my vow to myself and to everyone who reads my little blog ;)

There is only one more show in my area.....its about an hour away from me...but its my only option at this point.......NOVEMBER 1, 2008......NEW JERSEY GOLD'S CLASSIC FIGURE!!!

AND AWAY WE GO!!!!!!!!!!!!!

my head is crooked :)

and i need to get my head on straight. i dont know where my fire, my desire, my heart went with regard to me competing. It's really making me sad. Adam has also seen it and he told me that if i dont get back to being strict and get my heart back in it, then i have to get rid of Tony because if im not eating what im supposed to and not following his plan like im supposed to be, then im throwing money out the window. And he is right! Why am i doing this to myself? I need to start fresh....pack all my food, no eating in between, etc.

What i think happened was that i knew that i wasn't going to be ready to compete, so i said, why be so strict? And i would eat something off plan. And that is what is happening over and over again.

Example...yesterday i was talking to my sister and they were ordering chinese food and asked if we wanted to come over....i called adam and asked him....he said "could you eat chinese food?" I said "No" So he said "so then why are you even asking me? I know why he said, because if i said yes then you would feel that it would be ok to eat it too" Then he said "what happened to you? A few months ago, you wouldn't have even asked me to do that because you wouldn't even considered eating that!" And he is so right! Right off the bat I would have said, no way...cant eat it...

I dont even know what to say to myself anymore. While im working out im fine...i want to succeed...but if food is put in front of me i want to eat it.

My weight is slowly climbing...im at 116.4 That is not good....i was at 113.5...not that its a huge gain or anything...but i can see the difference....being so short, you can see every pound.

I really need to talk to Tony and see if there is any hope for me. Cause im not liking myself anymore.....

too long

I cant believe that its over a week since i posted. Well last Thursday (10th) i got sent home from work. I apparently had hand, foot and mouth disease that i contacted somehow, who knows! it is something that usually only children get....well i got it! No kids that i knew had it, so it had to be from the dirty gym or the dirty subway! So i was stuck in the house from Thursday. I missed my neice's christening. Thank god i wasn't the godmother! Today was my first day back at work and the gym. Im glad to be out...i was starting to go crazy in the house! The dog was happy i was home with him all day, but that is about it.

So now im back and i went food shopping last night....$186.00 later and i probably still need more! The prices for everything have gone up so much! Its really getting bad!

Like i said above, today was my first day back to working out, so i lost an entire week....again....

I finally finished paying off my two piece suit too! I still have my one piece but i may just hold off a bit on it, since my fat ass isn't getting on stage anytime soon!

We are trying to put together some vacation plans to take angelica to the shore for a few days...which we are finding out is a really big expense...besides the rooms being almost 200.00 a night, that is without food or rides or waterparks, etc....so i dont know what we are going to do....we may just do some day trips instead.

Im just a little upset with myself. Or shall i say, not happy with me. From being sick and all, my eating has not been good...plus the no working out....double whammy! Not that i have gained anything...but i just cant get a grip on my eating habits. I just want to eat and say fuck it sometimes. And then i remember what i want, and then get sad that i think im never going to get there. Tony wanted pics on saturday..well that wasn't happening..and i still owe them....i dont want to take any pics of me. I am paying all this money for a trainer and im not listening to him. what is wrong with me????

I need to get my head on straight!

back on

I have been trying to figure some stuff out in my head.

This weekend was pretty good. Friday me and adam went to friends of ours for a BBQ. I tried to be good....and i dont know what it is but when im around people who eat bad, i pick too....im not saying i ate really bad, but lets see....i had a burger, without the bun...with ketchup and mustard and onion cut up....corn on the cob and baked beans. i stayed away from the macaroni salad and hot dogs and stuff....then dessert....Tony gave me the ok for fruit...which i ate some....but then there was a giant chocolate chip cookie cake....which i broke off a few pieces from it :( and i had a little bit of chex mix..... I did do cardio and my abs workout by the way ;)


Saturday.... we(me, adam and angelica) took a ride down the shore to go on the boardwalk with my sister, hubby and the baby and my mom and dad...we drove into Margate and then over to Ocean City....didn't eat good. I chalked it up as just being bad and i have to live with the consequences. I have to stop beating myself up so much...but there is a reason why i do that....because eating bad does not get me where i need to be...where i want to be.....

I have to realize that if this is something that i want to do....i cannot be like everyone else. I cannot go out and socialize.....and that is one of the hardest things to do...why cant i be normal? or should i say, why cant i eat what i want and look like i belong on stage? LOL!

I am always half assing everything in my life. Am i not strong enough mentally to do this? That may be it. Because if i really wanted it as bad as i say i do, then i wouldn't cheat and justify it! There are no ifs, ands or butts when it comes to this and i am so tired of hearing myself talk...i really am.....this has been going on for way too long....when is it ever going to stop? When am i going to smack myself in the face and get with it? Its all up to me and i have to make that decision...no one is putting a gun to my head and telling me that i have to do this...if this is something that i want...i have to work for it...period!

Ok...now on to my workouts...i had legs today! On the plate loaded wide leg press...my high was 205! oh yes! I will be feeling that one in a day or two ;)

And on the shows....the NPC show in Delaware is on August 9th....really cant see that one happening.....and then there is an OCB show in Trenton on August 23rd....maybe??? Not sure if i can even do that show! It is such an emotional struggle and i need to get my head on straight.

And i hate the fact that i opened my mouth telling people that im doing a show and now they are all waiting for me to get on that stage and if i dont i will feel like a fake and a quitter. Not that i am doing this for anyone else, but i know that they are thinking that i wouldn't be able to do it and i want to prove to them and to me that i can.....i just want to know that i can! Why cant i believe in myself that i can actually do this? Why can i push other people to do it and praise them to the highest but i put myself down?

ok, enough ranting.....

i drink so much more water during the week than i do on the weekends....i wonder why?

I keep forgetting to take my supplements too...can i please get with the program????

Im such a mess......