Im here...im alive....just busy

I suck at this blog stuff ;)

Im going overnight tomorrow-friday to Atlantic City..and then the 11th-14th i am going to Margate with Adam, Angelica and my sister and her hubs and my nephew! I cant wait to play with him on the beach!!!

Eating hasn't been great but im still working out like a crazy person...which kind of pisses me off cause i probably have a little bit of shape underneath the fluff...im not going to go diet crazy while on vacation but i will be super clean after i get home!

Im going to bring my bands with me and hopefully be able to get some walks in too...adam said he wants to bring his bike down to ride early..i wish i had a bike :(

I ordered 3 bathing suits from VS....2 look like bras, so hopefully they fit...the other is a halter...with no underwire...not sure on that one....i hope i can keep one at least :)

So..what else?

Oh, this past saturday i went to prejudging for the Tracey Greenwood show( yeah, the one i was supposed to do)...the A class was HUGE! At least 12-14 girls, just in A...bikini wasn't good..they had about 8 total...caliber wasnt great....but the figure was...i would have been crushed...there were some, of course, that weren't good..but the majority was...

And i was sitting there by myself like a big oaf....and then I saw Shelly Albetta and her bf Nick..she asked if anyone was sitting next to me, and i was like, Shelly??? She said OMG! So crazy! i had emailed her earlier in the week and she was telling me that she was going and she told me to come find her and say hi! Well i didn't have to...she came to me :) She is cute...tiny...i think both of her thighs were the size of my one thigh!

But that was cool that i got to meet her...I talk to her on FB once in a while...I had started talking to her when I started training with Mike...so i had some questions, etc....she was really nice....

anyway...what else???

oh...i have to congratulate Becca and Genie on JR Nats....both looked incredible....I wanted to go to hang out with Becca in Hackensack next week, but now, since im going to the shore that weekend i wont be able to go :( Sorry Becca!!! We will meet one day!!! Promise!!!!...Oh and your shoot pics look amazing!!!

That is all i guess??

Happy wednesday!!!

ok...last one ;)

Well it seems that all i seem to do is bitch and complain..so i may as well continue :)

Why does the whole prep thing seem to come so easy for some people?

I think I must just come to the realization that I am just destined to be fat….seriously…...i have been working out with weights every day….cardio, sometimes 1x a day…sometimes 2…my diet is around 90% good….yes I have slip ups and eat crap I shouldn’t but mostly i eat good….i pack my food, I get made fun of, I don’t get asked to go places because they know I cant eat, and yet I look like I haven’t worked out a day in my life! WTF???? My ass looks huge, I can grab fat on my back….im disgusting.

I see some girls who are weeks and weeks away from a show and they already look wonderful...i look like i haven't worked out a day in my life....my ass is big, my arms are skinny fat and i have a pooch that if my pants were tight, i would have a muffin top.

Now dont get me wrong..im not saying that im huge...i am still fitting in my 4's but i dont look like i step foot in a gym! Its really starting to get to me. My weight was down a pound this week which was nice to see...but i cant really go by that because my weight fluctuates so much its ridiculous!!

Does it really take somebody to be 110% perfect every day in order to see any results?

I have so many goals in my head...but to accomplish them is something different. I want to, but i think i would be more gung ho if i saw some changes.

Yes, i have done it before, but i guess me thinking that it was going to be easier this time i am learning is sooo wrong....

I promise this time though that once i get to where i need to be i WILL NOT gain back all the weight again....this back and forth bull crap is for the birds and is not worth it at all....because i think it gets harder each time....

Please help me stay strong and not give up....i dont want to fail myself and anyone else who has faith in me.

In keeping with my last post ;)

Well i figured that since i have been inspired by her...lets do another :)  I may keep up this trend ;)

Well I think that finally my mind is getting back to where it should be!  I have been feeling really good recently and i hope to keep it up!  I have no cravings and im starting to get that tunnel vision which is so needed while trying to do this. 

Lets see....monday was legs...and then after work i went and did spin class....came home, made dinner and then later did some abs :)

Yesterday I was off work.  Me and Adam both took off...we made dentist appointments and dermatology appointments...so this was how my day went yesterday:

7:40-woke up

8:15 gym-worked shoulders

9:40-came home made breakfast

11:00-12:30-dermatology appointments***

***Im going off for a second....my dermatology appointment was a little troubling....i apparently have a mole on my back that is "iffy"  meaning that its a sun damage mole but she told me not to get too worried about it yet.  I has the "possibility" of it becoming something but to just keep an eye on it like once a month to see if there are any changes, etc....if there are, then i have to see her sooner, if not, then in 1 year.  It freaked me out a little bit....she asked if i tanned...i responded yes....1-2 times a week....she told me to stop....immediately and to not go back...and use sunscreen....which is what you are supposed to do...but me, i think im invincible all the time....and now look?  So im done....i will use self tan creams just if i feel i need color. I dont know if a lot of you tan but this has freaked me out enough to not do it ever again....

ok....

12:30-came home ate again....

1:30-went to bank

2:00 dentist--found a cavity....blech....i have to go back at the end of june....

3:30-ate again

4:30-hour of cardio

6:00ish--made dinner, ate and then took a walk to my sisters to see my nephew.  

9:00-came home from sisters

10:00 bed

so that was yesterday....but my eating was good and i had no cravings..which is a plus!

Today i actually got my ass out of bed and did some early morning cardio...which by the way, i must add, that TV sucks in the morning...its all infomercials!  LOL!  So i had to put my Gina Aliotti video on and watched her train legs :)

Then I hit the gym for my back workout....i also did another 10 min on the stepper...our gym has 3 steppers...i think 2 of them are broke...i keep forgetting which one is really broke and i keep getting on it...jackass!

So im pretty caught up now...oh yeah, and then monday night when i was doing some abs....i  was doing side crunches....and i just glanced at my side and my hip/side is so little!  I was like Damn!  i could be seriously tiny...which is what i should be...minus all the flub....you have to remember the fact that im only 5" tall!  I should be that  small....and my hips prove it :)  LOL!  I showed adam...i said...see!  this is how thin i should be!  He agreed :)  

And i have put in my head that i will not stray off my diet until my birthday...June 21st....which is only 12 days away, by the way....but i will have a little treat on that day...i will be good all day...maybe even have a decent dinner..but then have a piece of birthday cake :)  You dont think my trainer will mind do you???  LOL!!!

****now onto something that is only partly fitness related*****

My friends....we made "plans" a few weeks before Sex & the city 2 came out that we were all going to see it together....fine....well then sunday morning i get an email from my one friend and says "i know its last minute but a few of us are going to go to the movies to see SITC2 at 4:00 today..can you go?"  I was pissed...1) because not everyone was involved and 2) i had a graduation party at 2:00!  So i had to respond no...and then it was "well i can go see it with you again if you want"...but at that point i was like "no way" that wasn't the way it was supposed to be...so basically FU*  Im not going at all with any of them....

I was telling Adam and he was like i could have told you that you wouldn't be going with them as soon as you told me.....i knew they would diss you and go without you....

It is so hard..because we have been friends for so long but to be honest with you, we really have nothing in common anymore....the group i stayed with are all still single, except 1, who just had a baby but really acts as though she isn't married or has a baby....but for the most part, their lives consist of going out to bars or restaurants or just drink and do whatever....i am not into all that anymore.....

Being in this "fitness world" so to speak, i am closer with girls that live miles from me and i talk to them more than my friends here....April is a prime example....i talk to her more than ANYONE...yes it may be through emails and whatever, but she knows more about my life day in and day out than anyone...probably more than my husband and my family!  But i consider her a very good friend :)  And a lot of the girls on here that i have come to know so well and we all have the same goals and we understand when we dont want to get on the treadmill...or if something goes wrong at work and we want to eat something we shouldn't....we get that....others who aren't in this bubble dont get it...and they think we are crazy...which is fine..but its still a little sad that i still get made fun of for wanting to do this...i actually got this today in an email "your actually still doing that crap?"    But then i got an LOL and good for you..but i know deep down they dont understand and they think im crazy....

sorry...im rambling....but Becca's post made me realize that im so glad that i have you all  and that you understand my craziness and accept my craziness :)  It feels good just knowing that im not alone and i have support out there..no matter where you may live :)  Thanks :)

if im not doing it...someone else is

I think i want to buy a spin bike...i have a regular seat bike but it sucks ass....i was looking at amazon today...i could get a "decent" one for about 250...they are a lot more fun than a regular bike..i think anyway ;)  I have been doing my morning warmup at the gym on the spin bike...and classes too.  I haven't gone to spin class this week..i was actually going to go today but then adam told me that his friend John and John's brother in law are coming over to give us an estimate tonight for our bathroom and kitchen :)  So that went out the window...the treadmill it is!

 i was watching Losing it with Jillian last night....i cried at so many points during the damn show...one thing that stood out was the one young girl was really big and had got gastric bypass a while ago...she was thin now but she still saw herself as being fat...and anytime anyone gave her a compliment she followed it up with herself making a negative comment...which i can sooo relate to!  No matter what...i always find the negative.  Jillian was trying to tell her to let go of the fat girl...and then Jillian  said something along the lines of you have seen yourself as a failure for so long...how about you try and aim high for once?  The most that can happen is you fall...but give yourself the chance to succeed!!!!  And that struck a cord with me....i always tell myself i cant...which in other words means you wont.....and its getting old....so im going to aim high...and dig deep and see what i am capable of...who knows how good it can be if i dont try, right?  I could be amazing...but i will never know if i dont try....lets see what happens if i eliminate "CANT" from my vocabulary.  

Someone is preparing to get on stage on the same date as me.....they have their calendar marked with the same date as me.....and they are doing what they have to do to win...they are getting up in the morning and doing their cardio.....and im still sleeping.....i need to wake the hell up!

Well its Wednesday already!  The weekend was way too fast...i didn't even really do anything!  My sister had a bbq on Sunday.  I brought my chicken and string beans :)  And i had some baked beans too....Monday was a total wash of a day....i actually did nothing!  Seriously...the extent of my day was cooking and dishes...other than that i sat and watched tv most of the day...i didn't even work out....i just didn't have it in me...i just wanted a day to do nothing...and that is what i did :)

I am back on track this week.  I still haven't got up for cardio before the gym yet.  I really have such a hard time with getting up!  Its horrible!  I had all intentions of getting up this morning....but i didn't go to bed until after midnight so there was no way i was going to be able to function on 5 hours of sleep...so that went bye bye!

Does anyone take Size On-Pre-Contest?  Does it help?  I had a few samples of it...and i liked it...but i dont want to get all bloated from it.  I am fat enough...i dont need extra water weight.  It only has  i think 2 carbs so that is good....but it still has the creatine in it.  They said the pre-contest one is good for women because of the low carb thing.  I have no idea. 

I just feel so fat instead of feeling thinner...and its so hard to stay positive and happy and focused when all you see is the negative stuff.  Yes i know, consistency is key...and i am trying..i am....

Today was shoulders....im off a day because of monday..so i did legs yesterday and then last night i did 45 min on the treadmill. 

I guess that is all that is going on in my world...Flyers tonight!!!  They better win :)

Happy Wednesday :)