Strength

Well its friday!  YAY!!! 

at the gym i had chest....i really dont like doing chest because i have enough of it...but i did it...and its done. 

Do you ever wonder what other people are thinking about you?  I constantly think that others are talking about me....saying things about the way i eat and yet i still look the same.  That they say, she eats so well and works out constantly but she still has no muscle...i think that they think that way about me because that is the way i think about myself.  I am constantly looking at myself.  Usually in a negative way. 

Becca said something to me in my last post about me dieting for so long.  I have thought about that...and yes, while i have been "dieting" for a while now....i am constantly cheating and not eating what im supposed to..so therefore my diet has not really been a diet....because of all of the "extras" constantly...I have made no progress...which makes me sad....because i feel like i want this so bad, and yet i do not want to work to get it.  I know what has to be done...and you would think that i would be good because i know how much happier i am when changes start happening.  When my pants are falling off, when i see little peeks of muscle definition...and i know what has to be done to get there.  Which is why i need to relax, do the work and stay consistent.  Im not consistent and i know this....which is why i look like i do. 

Im not going to lie...there is no reason to..the last time i weighed...which was last saturday was 117.2.  That is not good.  I have been going up and down losing one pound, gaining it back...etc.  Its crazy.  So i just need to realize that im not going to make any accomplishments if i continue down this path. 

26 weeks is a half a year...and the way im looking at it is different....if i get down to where i need to be in the 14 weeks and then the 16 weeks...i can just maintain for a few weeks until close to November...so i wont be killing myself worried again if i can get there.  I want to be ready ahead of time.  That is fine and good in my head....i just have to do it in real life...i can type whatever i want...its the action that needs to be done. 

I feel like im the worst blog writer sometimes... its hard for me to get the words across of what is going on in my head.  I have always been bad at writing.  I have such jumbled up thoughts i feel like im ADHD.  Which i probably am...LOL!

Anyway....off the subject.....this weekend is memorial weekend already!  I cant believe May is over!  We really dont have any plans....my sister is BBQing on sunday....i will take my food to grill...that isn't an issue.  Its the stuff afterwards....the desserts that come out.  This is partly why i hate going out....i hate being put in those situations.  Cause i always want to break off a piece of something...or eat some fruit or stick my finger in icing.  You all know how it is....

I was reading Kari's blog earlier...how she wanted something she shouldn't and had to call her BF....i dont do that....i usually give into the temptation....i think i need to start thinking about my actions more before i act...cause the mind is very powerful....and it will make you rationalize and do things that you think is ok...when really they are not...i need to make that call when i feel that way.....or just stop listening to the evil inside my head that always seems to win.....i need to lock that little person up somewhere and throw away the key :)

little update ;)

Man i really need to just sit and write here for a minute :)  Things are going ok.  

The other day i had sent an email to my trainer....basically telling him that i wont be doing the show at the end of june and now i have to work my ass off all summer to get ready for the end of august....i made sure he knew i wasn't complaining about him at all....and i dont want to give him excuses...basically telling him that it was all my fault..i cant control my eating...and because of my mess ups, i have to start over.  

His response: 

Angela

 Do you feel better?  Good, now do what you say you are going to do. I am here for you . I am going to do my job for you now you do yours.

This is why i love him.....cause he reminds me of my husband....straight and to the point....shit or get off the pot! 

So now i have to really figure out and redo my schedule....there is a show august 28th and september 18th...and then i want to do KY muscle again....and not come in last ;)  

So in doing the math....

14 weeks for Delaware Show

17 weeks till West Chester

26 weeks till KY Muscle 

sounds a little ridiculous.. on the 26 week thing...but i know how i am....and i know that i will need every single week....Then i start thinking....The delaware show is at the end of august...which means that pretty much vacationing this summer is out.....the West Chester show is the day after my mom's birthday....so i will be a crazy mess....and the KY Muscle is two weeks before my husband's 40th birthday....but my thing is...there is always going to be something, right?  somebody's birthday, some occasion to go to...so do i want to get on stage or do i want to continue to be unhappy with myself by not doing what i say im going to do and then not do it?  

I have a rough road ahead of me...and i need a lot of work...im hoping that i can do this...especially because i really want to do the other shows to prepare for november....so i can hang out with someone ;) 

:)

Im here...im alive...im still fat....

i will post more later....

tuesday :)

getting to the gym has never been an issue for me.  It is my schedule..it is my routine...every day, no matter what...its what i do before i go to work.  Also packing my food for the work day and getting all my water in during the work day.  Now, being home at night and on the weekends..that seems to be where i have my problems.  No matter how hard i try to keep a schedule on the weekend....it always gets screwed up and i wind up not doing what im supposed to do.   So what seems to happen is when i get screwed up on the weekends..it messes with me mentally.

So getting back on to this week.  Yesterday i got up and did 30 min of emc and then hit the gym for legs...ripped them up!  And then afterwork i decided...hey..i didn't do enough damage to them...lets do spin class!!  So by the time i got home i was aching!  And starving...and i had to still go to BJs to get my food in for the week...so i ran there...and to the supermarket for my flank steak and by the time i got home it was almost 8:00 and i had to cook and eat then i got a bath to soak my legs and i hit the bed...

today was shoulders...and i have been trying to really hit them hard...i want that shoulder definition so bad!!  almost as much as i want that arm vein ;)  And i love doing certain movements and seeing the shoulder muscle pop!  God that makes me so happy :)  

So really the only issue that i have...and that i think a lot of us have...is food.  I just have these times where i just want something...and it takes over all my thoughts!  like today..i wanted something...i wanted popcorn...and i was analyzing it over in my head....should i have it or shouldn't i?  Will it really hurt  me? Im already a big fat mess...what is popcorn really going to do?  So the devil on my shoulder won....it shouldn't have..but i had some popcorn...it could have been worse...it could have been raisinetts :)  

I am not going to make myself crazy because seriously...the popcorn was the least of my problems...

I honestly dont think that i am going to do philly in june...its too close and i still have a lot of work to do. There are plenty of shows in the next few months....im going to gear brain towards them instead.  

I have work to do...and i need to stay on the right track.  I want to do this....i just have to teach my brain that food is the only thing that is stopping me from getting where i want to be...and i dont want to let food stop me from my dream of getting back on that stage :)

----

On another note....Bradley Cooper and Robert DeNero are filming a movie in philly and today they were filming across the street from me :)  And i got to see Bradley Cooper leaving the set in his car!  o cool!!!   It is supposed to be NY and they changed all the street signs in Center City to have NY street names...it is apparently much cheaper to film in philly than in NY

www.onlocationvacations.com/2010/05/10/robert-de-niro-bradley-cooper-filming-dark-fields-in-philadelphia

alright...time for bed!  

Q&A

April posted some Q&A on her blog...seemed like fun....join in :)

 

1.   Do you sleep with your closet doors open or closed?

Open...only because i have so much crap in front of it, it wont close ;)

2. Do you take the shampoos and conditioner bottles from hotels?
Once in a while...usually i will take a hand towel...because i will wrap my shower scrunchy in it ;)
 
3. Do you sleep with your sheets tucked in or out?
they start out tucked in...but i kick out the bottoms cause my feet cant be under the covers

4. Would you rather be attacked by a bear or a swarm of bees?
um....neither

5. Do you have freckles?
 Nope  




6. What is your biggest pet peeve?
  people who drag their feet when they walk...drives me insaine!!!

7. Have you ever peed in the woods?
I have peed in a pop up camper in a bucket...does that count?

8. Do you ever dance if there’s no music playing?


Yes food makes me happy and makes me dance :)

9. Do you chew your pens and pencils?

No
10. Is it okay for guys to wear pink?
it doesn't bother me either way
11. What do you dip a chicken nugget in?
I used to dip them in honey…YUM!  (i just kept the same answer as april on this one...my long lost ginger twin ;)..LOL)
12. What is your favorite food?
 sushi
13. What movies could you watch over and over and still love?
overboard, big daddy, devil wears prada, the notebook
14. Were you ever a boy/girl scout?
no...didn't have them near me i dont think???  Im a city gal ;)
15. Would you ever strip or pose nude in a magazine?
No...too self conscious
16. Can you change the oil on a car?
probably...never did it...took a class on it a long time ago...change tire, oil, etc.
17. Ever gotten a speeding ticket?
nope
18. Ever ran out of gas?
No.
19. Are you lazy?
extremely 
20. When you were a kid, what did you dress up as for Halloween?
yes...wonderwoman, a cat, a devil, baseball player
21. How many languages can you speak?
 one

22. Who is better…Leno or Letterman?
Letterman makes me laugh more because his humor is more dry....but leno does make me LOL too!
23. Do you sing in the car?
when im alone or with my sister ;)
24. Ever eat a pierogi?
never had one
25. First concert?
bon jovi/cinderella--1985 or 86....it was love at first sight ;)

Wednesday

Wow im starving today!!!          I cant believe its already a week since I posted last!!!  I am supposed to be like less than 8 weeks out now....7.5 to be exact...not sure what im going to do about the show at the end of june...I sent pics to mike and we went back and forth with what I should do.  He wants me to do well.  He thinks I can do well....he told me that my shape was there...just need to lean out more....and if I think I need more time to lean out then I should but he thinks I still have plenty of time.  But I don’t want to just “show up” again...I want to belong up there.  So we will see what the next few weeks bring....if I continue to lean out and look like I should then so be it.  I have to realize that this show isn’t the end and the only show that I can do.....its may.....there are shows throughout the summer and fall....so we shall see :) I feel better about it now :)      Got a new diet too :)

I want to do his boot camp at the end of may.....the deposit is due by the end of the week so im not sure I can commit...I would love to do it though...there are girls from SiouxCountry doing it and it would be cool to meet them and Mike....and Julie....im just not sure I have the money for it....

Hmmm...what else???

Mother’s day is sunday...we are going to dinner for my mom.....we are going to a place that their menu is  pretty good....there is a big salad bar that I can fill up on and they grill most of their food...so I should be ok.  Right now my cravings aren’t so bad (thank god)..im sure the longer I continue to diet, the worse it will get but right now im ok.

Adam bought a medicine ball to do abs at home....so that is fun :)

Im still not getting enough cardio in...I keep trying to get up in the morning but I cant get to bed early enough to get up!   I really need to do that though!!!  Its hard!!!

We are trying to also plan some sort of vacation...but that is also on my brain of competing....if I don’t do this show at the end of June then that means I will be dieting all through the summer again....and going on vacation will be difficult...so im not sure what to do with that either!

April posted these cute straws on her blog....I must have one :) So if I don’t win, I will definitely order one....go check them out :)