Happy and mad....

First my happy.....

Last night i was trying on clothes and the size 4 pants that i just bought (and still have the tags on) were big! So i decided to run to Express at lunch and see if the 2's fit...and guess what??? they did!!! OMG!! a size 2!!! YAY!!!! I was so excited in the store that i took this picture and sent it to April...LOL!


now the bad....(well not horrible bad but...)

I went to book my flight for the comp...it went up $92.00!!!! in a week!!!!! So now instead of it being $234.00 including taxes...its $320.00! WTF!!!!

So im going to wait a bit, and hopefully it will go down again.....keep your fingers crossed!!!!

Monday

Hello all! Its monday...my weigh in was the same yesterday as last week :( But i got my period too so i will take the 111 and run with it for now....but my goal is 109 for next week!!!!

I want my legs to look like this!!! So this is my inspiration for the day!

Today's workout was shoulders.....lots of shoulders :) Man, i have work to do....54 days??? Can i do this???

And now to add to the pressure...two lovely ladies are going to be at the show...Ms. Kelly O and Sherry!! So cool!!!! Very excited to be able to meet them!!!! But at the same time, i gotta step it up, cause you know all these girls that i am going to be around are all hard core.....

I have work to do!!!!

Tonight, i have to go food shopping, cardio, and have dinner done and all before 8:00 for Heroes tonight!!! Think i can do it???

whats goin on....

Ok..well first off, i apologize for not blogging for a week! I have no idea where the time goes!

Lets go back some....the weekend was nice....sunday-monday went to AC with Adam. which was nice....monday cleaned, worked out, cooked....etc.

Tuesday-today---cardio, cardio, and more cardio....with weights mixed in.... ;)

I know im leaning out...i just am still so jiggly...it has to go away!!

I started taking kre-alkyline before and after my workouts...hopefully my muscles will grow!!!!

Oh, and i forgot almost the best part of the weekend!!!! I weighed in on sunday......drumroll.......111.....yes!!!

Probably my weight will be up though this week...im due for my period and the kre-alkyline probably wont help...but we shall see! He wants me at 109 by the end of the week.....

Our office is moving tomorrow and i have been packing up everything at work all week too! Tomorrow they are bringing in bagels and cream cheese and mimosas for breakfast and then they are taking us to lunch after we move....great! I hope i can find something to eat there....or i will be starving!!! I will have an extra shake with me just in case ;)

I guess that is about it.....nothing exciting at all!!!

My pants are huge oh and i had to wear my workout shirt this morning to work because i forgot my regular bra and couldn't just wear my sports bra underneath the top i brought with me to wear to work....so i look extra cute (not!) so to sum up my look for today....size 8 pants that have to be pulled up every 3 seconds, a workout t-shirt(black and faded) and sneakers.....you know you want to look like me....LOL! Cause Im sooo sharp!!!!

Oh...and girlies...im booking my flight to Indy :) 57 days!!!!!

trying to work it

Ok, now i know i have work to do!!!!

Today i got up and did my EMC like a good girl then hit the gym and worked on my back. My back and my legs are the strongest....even though you still cant see anything on them :(

I am stepping it up big time....this saturday we will be 9 weeks out! I have 9 weeks to strip this excess fat off of me and look lean and mean...LOL!

I haven't taken pics in over a month and i think its time....not that im necessarily posting them, but just for my benefit :)

I try to envision myself on stage....walking confidently, smiling...you know strutting my stuff...trying to see myself as this tiny little muscular being...working that stage. Yeah, it looks good in my head...just getting there is what i need to do....so im trying to keep that vision in my head....trying to feel invincible....

Gotta get the cardio in.....water, meals, supplements....its all a package deal...you cant have one without the other...its all or nothing.

I also try and picture myself without this layer of fat on me.....what my legs would look like...what my ass would look like.....what my stomach would look like......in my head, i look damn hot....LOL! But that i what i want on the outside!!! I want that for real!!! And i will have it!!!

There was this girl walking down the street in front of me the other day and she had the tiniest butt.....i said, i want that butt......and then i was thinking again....my butt used to be that small....i will get it back.....i think i can be tiny again...I want to be that tiny but with muscles!!! We shall see!!!

......

On a non-fitness front....yesterday was my mom's birthday. We ate at my sister's house. We had turkey and all the sides.....i had turkey and asparagus and broccoli....then there was ice cream cake and my sister made a chocolate chip weight watchers cake....no sweets for me! Just coffee :) I was a good girl!

*******
back to fitness---
I have so much to do for this show.....besides busting my ass to lose this fat...i have to buy so much crap to take with me......i have to get a list together of what i need to buy and take with me. Makeup and eyelashes and shoes and jewlery and all that fun stuff!!!!

This is going to be a wonderful adventure!!! I cant wait!!!

EEEEK!!!!

I got my one piece yesterday!!!!! I love it!! It really brought tears to my eyes because seeing it made me feel that this was real..... here is a pic of it, but it totally does not do it any justice..its just a pic from my phone....maybe one day i will fit in it...hopefully soon!!! But it is gorgeous!!!

I still haven't told my family that i am doing the show in IL....i dont know what im waiting for...i guess just saying it out loud makes it real...

which brings me to another issue that i have.....i don't "look" like im ready to compete. I dont want to say anything to anyone because i dont think im in shape enough to tell people. Im afraid of what people will think.....like in their heads they are saying "she is getting on stage??" she is not even near ready!!

I need to really start seeing changes or im going to panic. I mean, there is a lot of pressure on me...first of all....i have to get on stage...second...i have to stand next to april and Tina and Stacy. I am no where near them!!!

I need to stop doubting myself and charge full speed ahead...which is what i am doing....dont get me wrong.....and i am leaning out....everything is huge on me.....my stomach is getting some little cuts here and there.....and i know my butt and thighs are slimmer.....i just have to keep in my head that its not going to happen over night and i need to keep plugging along :)

But it is so hard to stay positive all of the time....i am doing it though.....

Its friday!!!!

Time is just flying by! I did my hour of cardio last night and some abs....i made tuna and string beans for dinner and a salad.

At the end of the night i was so exhausted but restless....the kind of bad, tossy turney thing where you are tired but cant sleep...well i took 1/4 of an ambien before bed.....um....i dont remember anything....LOL! That's not good.....but i slept good! Woke up this morning and i was out of it....but after i washed my face and brushed my teeth, i was good to go! Didn't make the EMC though!! I will make it up tonight ;)

Had biceps and triceps today at the gym...i think Tony is trying to kill me! I had massive reps to do....i really need to strip this fat!

Now, i know the whole concept of being positive and that you aren't supposed to say "i cant" but he wanted me to do 6 sets of Olympic bar curls.....um....the olympic bar is 45 pounds without any weights...the highest i have ever curled on a barbell was 40...so how the heck was i supposed to do 6 sets of olympic bar curls.....so i just did barbell curls :) And i will until i get stronger.....does he not know how tiny i am? LOL! Or should i say wussy ;)

Kelly O....i was reading your blog this morning, and i had to cut and paste this for my blog (ihope you dont mind)...but you are very inspirational and this needed to be printed again :)

BELIEVE IN YOURSELF. BELIEVE IN YOUR VISION, BELIEVE YOU CAN DO ANYTHING. DON'T EVER, EVER, EVER STOP BELIEVING. THE ONLY WAY TO FAIL IS TO GIVE UP.

DON'T EVER GIVE UP.

That is what i need to continuously tell myself! I am not giving up. I will get on that stage. I may not be perfect, i may come in with not a lot of muscle; but i will push myself farther than i have ever before. I will not falter! I will not quit! No more cheats...no more bites, licks, tastes......that is what is stopping me from getting what i want. There is popcorn in the office....right by my desk.....i will not put one kernel in my mouth!!!! All that is doing is hindering my progress....i wouldn't do it if i was one week out, why should i do it at 10?

APRIL----so excited for you for tomorrow!!!!!!!!!!!!! You are going to do great girl :) I cant wait!!!!!!!!!! And then it will be November before you know it!!!!! We will be able to do this together!!!!

Ok....well i guess that is all i got for you for right now.

Dreams

Well I had a talk with Adam last night about competing. When I was explaining to him about going to Illinois with the girls, he smiled. He said "I think you should go and do the show with them....they can help you through this better than i could, and i would be bored and alone all day. You will be backstage and running around and not even near me anyway." And i said i know, but i wanted to have him in the audience cheering me on....he said that is why we have cell phones and that i would be able to celebrate with him the next day.

He was saying "i get the whole weekend to myself? Go! LOL" He is full of it though, cause i know he will miss me....when i went to the Arnold last year he called me a lot.....he loves me :)

But what he and everyone is saying is true...yes it might be crazy for me to fly to IL to do my first show, but to have April and Tina and Stacy with me would be so much easier and i would have a lot more fun....and wouldn't be having a heart attack being all by myself not knowing anyone....

So Tina.....I think you have your Charlotte!!!! And by the way, thanks for the compliment, but there is no way i am going to look half as good as you three! I will just be happy to get on that stage hoping my huge ass won't be as huge and that i have a little bit of muscle on me!!! Im really not a competitive person so i really dont care how i place....getting on that stage will be a win in itself!!!!

This is going to be so exciting!!!!!!!! I told Tony, he may have to fly out for this show!!! 4 of his Diva's in one show???? How much better can it get????

Alright ladies (and gents...if any).....it is ON!!!!!!!! And the good thing is....i get 3 more weeks prep ;)

And thank you to everyone who has been pushing me to do this....it really means the world to me :) I am so glad that i have all of you backing me!!! Who would have ever thought that I would have friends from all over the place (some who i have never met) who would understand and support me better than my own family!

Im not giving up....i will do this!!! Well that is, unless, my legs and ass look so horrible and i am too embarrassed to get up there......other than that..i will be there! LOL!

My one piece is on its way!!!!!!!!!!!

Man, i am really getting daring in my old age...LOL!

Complications

Im having some issues.

Yesterday afternoon i went to look up information on the show that i am planning to do. It was supposed to be held at Jackson High School in Jackson, NJ....which is about an hour away...not that bad. It was far, but not overly far.

Well i am searching and i find it....venue changed to Long Branch, NJ??? Where the frig is Long Branch??? Well i looked it up on Mapquest....its in North Jersey towards New York and its way over an hour and a half away!!!

So my heart drops....i get very upset...all that i have been aiming for is done...again! I get all teary eyed....

I know that Adam wont drive that far....Jackson was far enough and he wasn't too happy about that...so i knew, before i even went home yesterday that it was going to be a problem.

My other option is to fly out to Indy and meet April and compete with April, Tina and Stacey! Which is a wonderful idea, right? But i also have to take into consideration the cost of all of this. I priced airfare...its about $205.00..which isn't bad...I would leave here friday morning(early), meet april, drive to Illinois and we would have to chip in for a room for 2 nights. Then fly home on sunday morning. It would be a wonderful girls weekend and i would have them there with me for my first show..what else could i ask for??? Except for the money issue, it would be great!

But then there are these thoughts that i have in my head....that I want my husband there for support...to hug me when im done, to have my celebration stuff your face meal....and he wouldn't be there. And that makes me sad. But i also have to take this into consideration....he is not into this at all....its not that he is AGAINST it, but he thinks that this is just a silly dream that i have and that i wont be ready to get on stage in 2 months. Which makes me even sadder. And i dont know what is worse...that he doesn't think i can be stage ready in two months or the fact that he doesn't want to be there for me when i do this. His thing is that he used to be big into the sport years ago...way before me and he had gone to Bodybuilding shows and his friends were in them and he said that it is such a long day and they are boring for everyone else except the person competing...blah blah blah. So do I want that with me all day? Is he going to just make me miserable all day complaining about driving, gas, sitting there, etc??? I want someone there who is going to be so happy for me and excited to be there and help me and encourage me.

Now, i dont want to overthink this at all, but from some of the things that i have read from girls who competed already that when they did this their husbands weren't too thrilled about it either and gave them a hard time about it. I dont want to go through that. I am not a strong person and i need constant reassurance and i dont have to want to worry about making sure he is fine, and that he is happy, etc. That is why part of me really wants to go to Illinois with the girls. They will be with me...going through the same thing as me.....and we will be there to support each other :)

Some of the people at work were saying to take one of my friends with me to North Jersey. I cant. No one really understands this scene if your not in it. They dont understand what needs to be done and frankly, i dont want to bother them and im sure that they really dont want to be there either.

So what do i do? In my crying mess that i was last night, i wanted to give it all up and just forget it. Its just a silly stupid dream right? I cant ever really do this anyway, right?

I stopped those thoughts and got on the treadmill....i just kept thinking about things and started crying again....got mad at myself, and ran....this happened a few times over the course of the hour...but i got through it.

Adam just doesn't understand....all my life i have half assed everything. I always give up on everything i do. Yes, i may have had crazy ideas to do different things in the past...but this is something so scary and wonderful....i have to do this. He was just telling me to give myself more time to build more muscle and wait until next year.....NEXT YEAR!!! I cant continue to do this over and over again. June was a let down...then i aimed for August...that didn't happen....now this!!!

I have been busting my ass trying to lean out....doing 1.5-2 hours of cardio every day on top of my regular workouts....eating 99% perfect for WAY TO LONG.....so now im just supposed to stop this and wait AGAIN till next year??? I cant do it. I need to do this in November. I have a goal set in my head....and i am going to go through with it.

I just got done paying for my one piece....its being shipped tomorrow....i have to save my money as best as i can for the next few weeks.....

All that i know is that i want to do this....if i dont have Adam backing me 110% then i have to just say that im going to Illinois and im doing this without you. Which really sucks big time. I want him to be there for me. I want him to be cheering for me in the audience...but if he is going to be a big butt head, i dont want him there either ;)

So what is probably going to come out of this is one of three things:

1) I will go to Illinois with my girls and compete with them or..
2) Adam will be ther for me and will drive me and support me and take me to North Jersey or
3) I quit all of this and just be "normal" (LOL)

Its Monday! The weekend went by way to fast....and nothing fun to really show for it.

Im tired and cranky today. Dont know why either.

I got up and did EMC for 30 minutes and then hit the gym where i absolutely killed my legs! That was good...but now im all mushy....im making myself mad at my own mood! LOL!

I will be 8 weeks out this Saturday.....i am so nervous that i wont even be close to being ready. Already im self doubting myself!!! I have to stop this! Positive Positive Positive!!!!

I just wanted to give a shout out to Cynthia!!! You did it...you got the pro card!!!! YAY!!!


i will write more later.....im going to go and tan now..maybe that will make me feel better :)

TGIF!!!

Well, its friday!!! I feel so much better today! I had biceps and triceps..worked them hard!!!! I did 75 minutes of cardio last night while i watched 1 1/2 episodes of LOST.....i got really far behind on it and i love the show...ABC.com shows the full episodes so i brought the laptop down and watched them :) Adam went to his friends to watch football and i did my cardio, made dinner and watched tv...one of my favorite movies was on last night...Almost Famous.....love that movie.....

tired

Today's motivation :)

Why do i feel like i got hit by a bus? My whole entire body hurts! My legs are hurting from tuesdays leg workout....i must have slept wrong so my right side (arm/shoulder) hurt....i was in tears last night from trying to run on my ankle...i think im falling apart! And im extremely tired! I just need to keep popping fat burners for the next 9 weeks i guess :) because there is no way im giving up yet!!!

I really have to stop wearing my old work pants....they are so big on me right now..i could probably pull them down without unbuttoning them...which is good, but i look like my ass is bigger than it is right now because they are so big!

Well i got a carb up day today....1/2 cup of brown rice added to my lunch and 3oz of yams added to my dinner....we shall see if it helps :) It sure as hell isn't giving me energy thats for sure!

Last night i was a wuss and i waited until 8:00 to do my cardio...bad move...i walked in from work and i was hot and cranky so i just wanted to sit for a while..then i cooked dinner, ate and then said i was going to do cardio....when am i going to learn that i need to walk in the door, get changed and get my butt down there right away.....because it really really sucks getting done your workout at 9:30 at night and then you just have to take a shower and go to sleep....cant do it.

Suck it up Angela!!! do it early and get it over with!!!!

My workout this morning was back and some abs....i tried to do hanging leg raises....i couldn't hold on i was only able to do 3 at a time without falling off...i dont know how girls do unassisted pull ups (cynthia, martha...im sure there are plenty more)...but i have to give you all so much credit because i suck at it....im not saying i "can't" but right now its "difficult" (is that better???) I have such poor upper body strength! I will stick with my assisted pull up machine for the time being ;)

So what is Angela going to do as soon as she gets home???? Cardio...but i may have to do bike and just incline walk on the treadmill to give my ankles a break!

Let's do this!

Tara is competing this weekend in NY! Good Luck Girl :)



Ok...well the weekend was good...went by way too fast! Thursday and Friday were liquid days....well friday was liquid until dinner...then just had fish and string beans and salad...

Saturday weighed in...113.8! YAY!

Sunday weighed in 113.4! YAY! Even better :) (even though it was probably just a fluke...i dont care....every ounce counts here people..LOL)

I got in all my cardios and my workouts....i think im really starting to lean out a little....

Tony's response to my weigh in.....i want you at 110 by next week! Ok...panic!!! How the hell am i supposed to lose 3 pounds in 4 days???? So i email him back. he responds..."I didn't say when next week did I? Just keep going until i say when." WHEW!!! So i guess until he says stop...i keep going like i am until he tells me to weigh in next week :)

yes the 2 hours of cardio sucks...im not going to lie...but that is all that is helping me i think....

i bought pants on saturday...because mine are falling off....they are 4s! I was telling April that if she gets a call from me crying from a dressing room in the next couple of weeks it will be because i fit into a 2 :)

I got my period 4 days early and the cramps are kicking my ass! I have been popping tylenol to help ease the pain...being a gal sucks sometimes ;(

Other than that...im feeling good....im not cheating..im kicking butt....trying my best...that is all i can do....and hey, ya never know...maybe i will hit the 110 by next week ;)

I had it figured that if i lost a pound a week until the show i would come in around 105 which would be perfect! So i guess we shall see what happens!!!