Im having some issues.
Yesterday afternoon i went to look up information on the show that i am planning to do. It was supposed to be held at Jackson High School in Jackson, NJ....which is about an hour away...not that bad. It was far, but not overly far.
Well i am searching and i find it....venue changed to Long Branch, NJ??? Where the frig is Long Branch??? Well i looked it up on Mapquest....its in North Jersey towards New York and its way over an hour and a half away!!!
So my heart drops....i get very upset...all that i have been aiming for is done...again! I get all teary eyed....
I know that Adam wont drive that far....Jackson was far enough and he wasn't too happy about that...so i knew, before i even went home yesterday that it was going to be a problem.
My other option is to fly out to Indy and meet April and compete with April, Tina and Stacey! Which is a wonderful idea, right? But i also have to take into consideration the cost of all of this. I priced airfare...its about $205.00..which isn't bad...I would leave here friday morning(early), meet april, drive to Illinois and we would have to chip in for a room for 2 nights. Then fly home on sunday morning. It would be a wonderful girls weekend and i would have them there with me for my first show..what else could i ask for??? Except for the money issue, it would be great!
But then there are these thoughts that i have in my head....that I want my husband there for support...to hug me when im done, to have my celebration stuff your face meal....and he wouldn't be there. And that makes me sad. But i also have to take this into consideration....he is not into this at all....its not that he is AGAINST it, but he thinks that this is just a silly dream that i have and that i wont be ready to get on stage in 2 months. Which makes me even sadder. And i dont know what is worse...that he doesn't think i can be stage ready in two months or the fact that he doesn't want to be there for me when i do this. His thing is that he used to be big into the sport years ago...way before me and he had gone to Bodybuilding shows and his friends were in them and he said that it is such a long day and they are boring for everyone else except the person competing...blah blah blah. So do I want that with me all day? Is he going to just make me miserable all day complaining about driving, gas, sitting there, etc??? I want someone there who is going to be so happy for me and excited to be there and help me and encourage me.
Now, i dont want to overthink this at all, but from some of the things that i have read from girls who competed already that when they did this their husbands weren't too thrilled about it either and gave them a hard time about it. I dont want to go through that. I am not a strong person and i need constant reassurance and i dont have to want to worry about making sure he is fine, and that he is happy, etc. That is why part of me really wants to go to Illinois with the girls. They will be with me...going through the same thing as me.....and we will be there to support each other :)
Some of the people at work were saying to take one of my friends with me to North Jersey. I cant. No one really understands this scene if your not in it. They dont understand what needs to be done and frankly, i dont want to bother them and im sure that they really dont want to be there either.
So what do i do? In my crying mess that i was last night, i wanted to give it all up and just forget it. Its just a silly stupid dream right? I cant ever really do this anyway, right?
I stopped those thoughts and got on the treadmill....i just kept thinking about things and started crying again....got mad at myself, and ran....this happened a few times over the course of the hour...but i got through it.
Adam just doesn't understand....all my life i have half assed everything. I always give up on everything i do. Yes, i may have had crazy ideas to do different things in the past...but this is something so scary and wonderful....i have to do this. He was just telling me to give myself more time to build more muscle and wait until next year.....NEXT YEAR!!! I cant continue to do this over and over again. June was a let down...then i aimed for August...that didn't happen....now this!!!
I have been busting my ass trying to lean out....doing 1.5-2 hours of cardio every day on top of my regular workouts....eating 99% perfect for WAY TO LONG.....so now im just supposed to stop this and wait AGAIN till next year??? I cant do it. I need to do this in November. I have a goal set in my head....and i am going to go through with it.
I just got done paying for my one piece....its being shipped tomorrow....i have to save my money as best as i can for the next few weeks.....
All that i know is that i want to do this....if i dont have Adam backing me 110% then i have to just say that im going to Illinois and im doing this without you. Which really sucks big time. I want him to be there for me. I want him to be cheering for me in the audience...but if he is going to be a big butt head, i dont want him there either ;)
So what is probably going to come out of this is one of three things:
1) I will go to Illinois with my girls and compete with them or..
2) Adam will be ther for me and will drive me and support me and take me to North Jersey or
3) I quit all of this and just be "normal" (LOL)
8 comments:
No question about it...I say #1 and I'm the only one that gets a say :)
Ha Ha...are you kidding...us girls want to be there for you for your first show...you would complete the muscle and the city theme...Men just don't understand this...that's why it's girlz weekend...who better to tear open 10 bags of M&M's with than April, Stace, and I!! Just think if you didn't do this with us, you'd kick yourself forever...you have to, no choice...and we will make sure you have that diet and cardio in check...you'll look better than all of us did at our first show, and you'll be competing against and standing next to April...she needs some competition :) If I have to stand next to Stacey, you should have to stand next to April!! Just think, kick azz road trip, tanning, laughing, makeup, posing, carb loading, giggling back stage as we wait and wait and wait to get on stage...oh so much fun...time of your life...you have no choice it's done...get that airfare...cause I'm making you come with!
I think you should go to Illinois. The only issue I would consider is flying in the day before the show. I don't know about you, but my body tends to swell up when I fly. I would hate for that to happen right before a show. I think a lot of the Pro's that fly for a show, get there like 2-3 days ahead with that being one of the reasons why.
I also agree with the fact that it is an incredibly long day for anyone who is just a spectator. Your hubby would be bored with the exception of the few minutes you were actually on stage.
My 3rd thought is that you are burning all of your muscle with all that cardio...but since I am not your trainer, that really makes no difference.
Bottom line....if you want to be ready, you will be ready. I think the Illinois show is a better idea!
You need to stop doubting yourself sweetie!!! You can do it!!!
Chin up!
xo~
Yep, Stef said it best. If you WANT to be ready you'll BE ready! I support you know matter what. Of course I want you to do the Illinois show though :)
Well an hour and a half drive is not that much longer than an hour drive, so that shouldn't be an issue. Don't lose hope just yet. Perhaps if you decide to do the New Jersey show, your husband could come later in the day, just for the evening show. Yes it would be two cars but at least he wouldn't be bored and negative all day! I tend to do some things by myself if my husband isn't into the same things and he is usually OK with that. I don't know if a figure competition is something that you could go to by yourself since I've never done one. But maybe you could. I totally understand wanting your husband's support. I am that way too. But we can't force it. Also, he may need to see the final result (your hot bod :))before he becomes supportive. Maybe once you "prove" it to him and show him what you have accomplished, he will be so "blown away" by your success that he will become supportive!
Or you could consider the illinois show. I have a feeling that if you were surrounded with friends in Illinois, you wouldn't miss your husband so much. Not that you don't love him, it's just that you would have support. But there is the cost, which I guess you will have to discuss with Adam.
Ultimately the decision is up to you. You already KNOW what the answer is, deep inside. If you want my opinion, though, I think you would have a wonderful time in Illinois with the girls. The support and love you would feel from them would be phenomenal and unlike what you have felt before. I can personally tell you that Stacey will have you cracking up! Not that you wouldn't miss your Hubby, but those girls will keep you laughing and so distracted you'll be smiling all day! Boy, I wish I could be there to cheer you guys on.
I understand your feelings of self doubt too. But look what you just did!! Instead of sitting and crying, you GOT ON THAT TREADMILL!!! THAT, in and of itself, IS AMAZING and SHOWS how much you WANT THIS. DO NOT LET ANYONE take it from you. No matter how much you love someone, sometimes you don't have the same interests and that's okay. Be strong and follow YOUR dreams. You would regret it for the rest of your life and you want to be proud of the things that you've accomplished. Let this be one of those things. We all are here sending our love and support. WE KNOW you can do this. We care about you and want you to BELIEVE that you CAN and WILL do this! HUGS AND KISSES GIRL!
You need to do what is best for you, of course forgetting the giving up option, because if you do that, you'll be proving to anyone who thought you couldn't do something, that they were right.
Personally from what it sounds, the second option would be the best one, because the first show has obviously been moved, and it's causing issues.
Follow your Heart, and trust with your Head. Don't let anything put you off, and if you want this, then go for it.
The end decision on this though, has to be one you're 100% happy with, because if you choose the wrong show, it could blow it for you big time, and yes you CAN be ready, but remember, it's your first time, and your physique development is not as seasoned as it will be this time next year, so it is going to be a challenge for you, to play to your strengths on stage, but you DESERVE this chance, and you've worked hard for it, so you keep tight hold, and don't let it go.
There's plenty of people in the anals of history, who had a dream, and many said it was folly, but they proved people wrong, and soem fo the greatest sportspeopl, scientists, and medila people who ever lived, have shaped our world today.
You may not be aspiring to be a great historical figure here, but your deam is not silly, or foolish, it's yours, and why shouldn't you do this, when others do it too?
There's no reason why you can't do it, and I think you should. You have wonderful feminine looks, so you won't look our of place on a stage, because you WILL sparkle like all the others, and anyone at that show who thinks you don't belong there, can go and get stuffed, because you DO belong there, you DO deserve to feel speical, and you DO deserve your chance to shine.
Best wishes and GOOD LUCK :-) :-).
Matt
Hi Angela:
I've been reading your blog for quite some time and this seems to be the first time you've posted with passion and no self-doubt about doing the show. I'm cheering for you and want to see you succeed!
It also seems like your husband has made it clear that he doesn't want to go, so why not go to IL where you will have a group of girls to guide you through your first show? It's probably completely nervewracking getting up there for your first time, but they might make it a little easier for you.
If you decide to do anothing show after your first then maybe your husband will see your determination and will start to back you.
My vote is for you to get on that plane! Can't wait to see how it all works out for you!
Here's what I don't get...Adam gets aggravated with you when you aren't doing what Tony says and following thru, YET he isnt real supportive when you are either...ARRRRGH MEN!!!!!!!!!! lol So, if he is going to be a butt and won't drive you 30 more extra stinkin minutes come with us to ILLINOIS! Seriously, it would be WAY more fun with us and worth the extra air fare...I'm just sayin :) I think April is rooming with her hubby but you are more then welcome to room with Tina and I~it just makes the room cheaper :) AND I am buying my own airbrush tanning system with the damn tent and all so I can Spray tan us(Jan tana style)2 coats on Friday, one on Saturday...slap on some glaze and We'll rock the stage~Woot!
Time of your life guaranteed...you'll be all like "Adam who?" lmao jk!!!!!
But either way there is no option #3! Never give up on a dream :)
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