Its here!!!!!

Im alive :) Still a little bit stuffy, but doing a lot better. I went to the doctors on Tuesday and she told me that it was allergies.....which i doubt, but she gave me a shot and a nasal spray, and i have been a lot better since, and i was off work yesterday too which helped out because i got to relax. Oh and i went and got my nails and toes done too :)

Tonight is the rehersal and dinner. I cannot believe its here! Tomorrow at this time i will be getting my hair and makeup done. It is insane! Oh and my sister picked up the rings...i love mine..its really thin but it matches my band beautifully! I finished packing last night, well except for the last minute stuff that i cant pack until saturday. I cannot wait to get to that beach! And of course i have to add in there, that i wish that i was thinner by this time....but there is nothing i can do about it now, so i just have to live with it. But when i get home...its back to it...full force! Because, believe me, i dont want to look like a total fatass next to April at the Arnold in March!!!

Well i guess this is it for now.....i hope everyone has a lovely week....and i will have pics up from the wedding and honeymoon when i get back!

BYE!!!!

Still Freaking Sick

Yes i am....three fucking days until the wedding and i am still blowing my nose and my ears are popping and my head is stuffy. According to one of my fellow workers (a wonderful older black woman) who told me that the devil made me sick and that i cannot let him ruin my wedding. I have to fight against the devil and not let him ruin my day! Ok devil...get the hell away from me! I have got too much to do! I am in work, i have nothing to do, my boss is away....my office manager told me to take tomorrow off too(i was only supposed to take off Thursday and Friday) but you know what? Instead of busting my ass, i may just take tomorrow too! What the hell right?

Oh, then last night, me and adam were talking after he got off the phone with his daughter and says to me, is she getting her nails done for the wedding too on friday? I said, no and he said well what about her eyebrows? I said what about them? I never even thought about Angelica's freaking eyebrows....i said have her mother take her to get them done? what can i do? and if she cant, well then she doesn't...there is nothing i can do about it. One more thing on my brain to worry about. I said well i can do her nails on thursday night or friday morning...not a big deal.

I just wish i felt normal....i dont know why i have to be sick now. I haven't been sick in probably two years and now i get sick. It really is ridiculous if you think about it.....just a big fucking joke on me!

Sorry im just bitching and complaining. I just want to be happy and not have to keep blowing my nose every 5 minutes.. I have enough to worry about besides having to worry about having a rudolph nose in my pictures!

Oh...and then i look at the extended forecast for Cancun.....and just guess how the weather is projected to be next week???? Can you take one guess????? RAIN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

i hate my life

Can anything else go wrong? well see i WAS starting to feel better.....and then it came.....the head cold! Im all stuffy and gross....my nose is all red from blowing it 800 times....i hate my life....why is this happening to me??????? I am a good person.....this cannot be happening! I have too much to do.....and i have the bachlorette party tonight!! Oh god this sucks!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

6 days and counting!

Im feeling a bit better today. Even though i didn't get much sleep last night. My mind is just racing with everything that i have to do and i was getting mad at myself that i couldn't stop and just relax and go to sleep! That rarely happens to me...i am a very good sleeper. I could probably fall asleep on a park bench and i have fallen asleep on the subway...so i know there is something wrong. I can't wait till im on the beach in Cancun drinking a margerita!

Well tomorrow is my bachlorette party....and still feeling crappy sucks! I wanted to be able to have a good time, but my head is all stuffy and cloudy and this sucks!

Next week at this time i will be getting my hair and make-up done! EEEK!

I had to email Tony and let him know that i have been out of commission this week. He totally of course understands and just wants me to get better for the wedding. That is the most important. He is great :)

Well its on.....6 days and counting!

I want to take the laptop to Cancun so that i can keep in touch with everyone while im gone! I am going to miss so much from you guys!

anxiety???

Ok...lets add to my anxiety.....im sick! Like sore throat and ear pain sick! WTF! I stayed home from work today to relax. I called the doctor so he can call something in for me to take. Hopefully i am catching it before it gets worse.....i have so much to do and this is what happens....i haven't been sick in over two years probably...so when does my body decide to get sick?? two weeks before my freaking wedding!!!!! I hate myself :(

its all in your mindset

The weekend was tough.....and went by way to fast! Saturday was my fitting, which i told you all about already. Saturday night was my goddaughter's birthday and Sunday me, my sister michelle, my friend Sherri and my mom put together all the wedding favors, which involved M&Ms.....which in turn, i ate some....i had to.....well, i didn't HAVE TO, but imagine sitting there with 10 pounds of M&Ms in front of you and not eating any? Could you? I dont think so! Actually, i think it would literally be impossible! LOL! That smell....yum!!!!! I would probably not have felt as bad if i got some sort of exercise in...but of course i didn't.....well unless you count running up and down stairs doing laundry exercise.....but i dont..

I have so much running around to do in the next two weeks.....this week....lets see.....we are decorating my mom's house on Tuesday, thursday we have to go back to the bridal shop for my mom & michelle's dress, Saturday is the bachelor/bachlorette parties....

its almost over!

Anyway....i was walking to work this morning and i was getting all down on myself with my eating and all and then part of me was thinking, why even watch what im eating for the next couple of weeks since im going to be going on vacation and eating then. And why bust my ass for the next two weeks to only lose 2 or 3 more pounds. Then, i stopped.....and thought, exactly! Its 2-3 more pounds LESS that i could weigh! Depending on how you look at things really makes a difference.....i would LOVE to be 2-3 pounds less by my honeymoon....why be bad and go off track...why not work EXTRA hard for these next two weeks and try and look even better! That is the attitude i need to have in my head all the time! Because the negative way is the way i always looked at things, and you would think that after a year, my outlook would be totally different....but its not...it is so easy to fall into old habits and mindsets.....being positive is so much harder and eating clean is so much harder...but in the end, when you look and feel better about yourself...that is what matters! So i am going to go these next two weeks full throttle and hopefully i will be a little bit stronger and a little bit leaner....and who knows.....maybe a little sexier ;)

fitting

Well i had my dress fitting this morning. Everything looked really nice....well except you know i am my own worst critic and i was wishing that my arms were tighter and my back and shoulders looked more muscular....and that i think my neck looks thin but i have a big head and im going to look like a bobble head..LOL!

Other than that..i liked it...LOL! My mom and my sister have one more fitting to go on thursday and then the following thursday (31st...the day before) i have to go and pick it up! I cant believe im getting married in 13 days.....this is scary!

Last night i had to go to a demonstration for house crap. I bought this wrought iron cook book holder....$34.95! But my sister said that its nice enough that i might be able to put it on my shelf and put my wedding book in it...so that is the only reason i got it.

Tonight is my goddaughter's birthday...so i have to stop by there....and tomorrow i am going to my moms and we are going to put the favors together....

time's a tickin.....

my heels

Well i got my hooker heels...hehe! Man, they are high!!! I think i should have gotten the 4 inch instead of the 5....i feel like im going to fall over! And its not like walking on carpet...its on a stage! yeah, that would be cute....falling on stage...ya know that would happen to me, right?

I was going to take a pic of my feet in them, but i need a pedicure so bad...i couldn't do it yet :)

better

Well im back to normal ( i think) I am just getting overwhelmed with everything i think and i just had to get it all out...thanks everyone for all your comments...it means a lot :)

Well lets see....there are like 17 days left....and im trying to get everything under contol. Hopefully i will only have one or two more breakdowns...LOL!

Thank god i have my workouts....i even made it to the gym saturday and sunday! It really does help with the stress relief....i even ran for 10 minutes straight! I think i needed it.

My dad is doing a lot better...he is walking around and the pain is "uncomfortable." But he still has the catheter in until friday (which im sure he cant wait to get out!) But he is eating and walking and getting stronger every day...thank god....that is one load off my brain!

Last night we did seating arrangements (well me and my sister did)....and we went to AC Moore to get the rest of the stuff for the favors...tonight i am doing nothing....tomorrow or wednesday i have to go to the florist and finish up all last minute details with him...thursday is my last fitting. Sunday we are all getting together to do the favors....then next saturday is the bachelorette/bachelor parties.....its coming quick.....

Well im staying strong and trying to focus.....i am so glad i work out in the mornings....otherwise i wouldn't be able to ever get my workouts in! My hooker heels should be arriving today :) That will be my next thing to panic about :)

But after this wedding business is all over, i will be lying on a beach in Cancun drinking a margarita :) That is going to be heaven!!!! And then a few weeks after that i leave for Indy to meet April and go to the Arnold!!!!! That is going to be soo awesome! I cant wait to meet everyone!!!!

Ok, well i guess that's all i got for now....

get the violin out

My dad's surgery went well on wednesday...thank god.....he should be released from the hospital today.

Last night i had my hair and make-up trial for the wedding. Both came out really nice. Here is a pic of the back of my head...its not real clear, but you get the idea.....

I have been a little down lately. I think i just have so much going on and im getting a bit overwhelmed...but i think the main thing that is bothering me is my body. Yes, i know i have issues already...but i just know that im so unhappy with my body and im not where i want to be, and im going on my honeymoon and i am still overweight and i ate bad during the holidays which didn't help and i just had a different vision of myself on my wedding day...i thought that finally i would like myself a little bit, that i would feel sexy and pretty and all that, but i don't....at all. In fact, its the total opposite. One part of me is so down on myself and wants to just cry and give up and face the fact that this is the way i will always be...a big fat gross person who doesn't deserve to be a bride and have attention put on her and then go to an island and wear a frigging bathing suit! And to top it off now, because i got my freaking period 3 days early, i will have it through my entire honeymoon! So i called my gyno and asked to get birth control so i can alter my period for next month....but now im scared that im going to gain MORE weight!

Its just a big accumulation of shit that is just taking over and im going to have a nervous breakdown! That's what is going to happen.....i just need to cry i think....then maybe i will feel better......i doubt it though cause that wont make my ass smaller!

Hollywood Blvd...here i come :)

I ordered my hooker heels! Yay! I got the ones with the strap though....we will see how i walk in them and how hard they are to buckle.....im not that good in heels.....so i figured the strap would help :)

Well i had my first weigh in back with T....down two pounds....but im not really down two since i probably gained 2 or 3 over the holidays...so i am basically where i was before christmas! Which is ok.....i feel better, and im eating clean....well except for my ff creamer...which i never knew was bad :(

I had nothing to make for my meals for tomorrow so i just cooked up some ground turkey with a little bit of manwich mix....yes, i know....the sodium.....but i was desperate! I had nothing in....don't tell :) its only for one meal....I have been on no carbs for over a week...im doing good...Tony asked how i was doing with it and if i could hold out another day or two before going back to carbs...i said i can finish the week out....i just miss my veggies :)

Tomorrow will be busy..electrolosys at noon, and then at 6:30 after work, michelle and Angelica's fittings.....fun....

Then wednesday is my dad's surgery....say a prayer that everything goes ok :)

Thursday is my hair/makeup trial.....

and i still have to find time to pick up the marriage license and my ring that is at the jeweler because she had to keep it to size my band...i feel naked without it!

Today was legs and i went back after work for more cardio...the gym was PACKED!!! the only thing i was able to get on was the bike...which was fine....but i hate January...everyone decides to be healthy and motivated to go to the gym.....i cant wait for February so its dead again :)

I told my friend Sherri that i was going to do a competition...she looked at me like i had three heads.....i dont get it...am i doing something totally crazy? Am i saying, I think i want to start jumping out of airplanes.....or I think i am going to quit my job and join the circus....that is what i feel like.....like i am saying something that is so crazy! But she is supportive, after i told her all about it.....i told her she could help me with my tanning :) But i guess we are in our own little world, where we know what we want to do, and will do it....that is the difference.....

Odd???

Im here...im alive.....just a bit busy.....this morning(well early afternoon) we went for our rings :)
Then we ran to a few stores....

I just got back from the gym....a strange thing happened...i actually emailed Tony about it, because it freaked me out a bit....i was doing bicep curls on the machine and i guess toward the end of the rep i was straining a bit, and i got this really sharp pain in my head, above my eye. It hurt so bad, i thought i was having a stroke! I had to stop and i sat down for a few minutes....it happened to me the other day too on one of the back exercises, but it wasn't as strong. I have had a dull headache for a few days, and then this....i wonder if its the lack of carbs???? Has this happened to anyone????

I was reading Beka's post and it really got to me (in a good way).....and i sat and thought about it....i really thought about it.....and i came to the conclusion that i do want this......the thing that throws me off is being scared about doing it....the getting on stage in front of people, falling on those heels, not posing right...those are the things that get me.....but i want to do this and not look back with regret.....i have the time, i have no children, i don't have a whole lot of money, but i make decent money, i just want the confidence and the mindset of a winner. I have never pushed myself before, and i think that is part of me being scared to take that extra step towards the unknown, ya know?

That, and people.....let me explain....i was at work yesterday and one of the ladies saw that i was looking at the figure suits......she asked about them, told her about me wanting to do a show, she saw the girls on stage, and said to me "you dont want to look like that do you?" I said "i would die to look like that" and she said that it looked gross and that they looked like men and there is no way that they dont take sterroids....i tried to explain that it is all natural, and you are tested in this industry, etc.....she didn't believe me....whatever......oh and then she said "do you think Adam would want you to look like that?" And i said "he would LOVE me to look like that."

Am i crazy for wanting this? Am I too old? I dont think so......but people are always going to say negative things, and i need to learn to keep things to myself, and not open my damn mouth all the time......when will I learn????

Happy New Year!

Another year gone.....time goes so damn fast......and it goes even faster when planning a wedding and you realize that, um, yeah....is 30 days away......

Oh, and i forgot to tell everyone...i signed back up with Tony a month early......i really wanted to hold off until after the honeymoon but i decided i need some help now to get as lean as possible, so i emailed him, and we started on Monday.....but of course, eating wasn't so good yesterday, but i had an awesome workout! I felt great! So he has me on low/no carb until further notice ;) So we shall see......

Im so excited...so much is going to be going on this month...the only bad thing about this month is my father's surgery on the 9th......im sure everything will be fine but its just one more thing on my brain to worry about, ya know?

I hope everyone had a wonderful new years eve....and i know everyone will be eating clean tomorrow!! lets get it started!!!! We all have comps coming!!!!