I have been trying to figure some stuff out in my head.
This weekend was pretty good. Friday me and adam went to friends of ours for a BBQ. I tried to be good....and i dont know what it is but when im around people who eat bad, i pick too....im not saying i ate really bad, but lets see....i had a burger, without the bun...with ketchup and mustard and onion cut up....corn on the cob and baked beans. i stayed away from the macaroni salad and hot dogs and stuff....then dessert....Tony gave me the ok for fruit...which i ate some....but then there was a giant chocolate chip cookie cake....which i broke off a few pieces from it :( and i had a little bit of chex mix..... I did do cardio and my abs workout by the way ;)
Saturday.... we(me, adam and angelica) took a ride down the shore to go on the boardwalk with my sister, hubby and the baby and my mom and dad...we drove into Margate and then over to Ocean City....didn't eat good. I chalked it up as just being bad and i have to live with the consequences. I have to stop beating myself up so much...but there is a reason why i do that....because eating bad does not get me where i need to be...where i want to be.....
I have to realize that if this is something that i want to do....i cannot be like everyone else. I cannot go out and socialize.....and that is one of the hardest things to do...why cant i be normal? or should i say, why cant i eat what i want and look like i belong on stage? LOL!
I am always half assing everything in my life. Am i not strong enough mentally to do this? That may be it. Because if i really wanted it as bad as i say i do, then i wouldn't cheat and justify it! There are no ifs, ands or butts when it comes to this and i am so tired of hearing myself talk...i really am.....this has been going on for way too long....when is it ever going to stop? When am i going to smack myself in the face and get with it? Its all up to me and i have to make that decision...no one is putting a gun to my head and telling me that i have to do this...if this is something that i want...i have to work for it...period!
Ok...now on to my workouts...i had legs today! On the plate loaded wide leg press...my high was 205! oh yes! I will be feeling that one in a day or two ;)
And on the shows....the NPC show in Delaware is on August 9th....really cant see that one happening.....and then there is an OCB show in Trenton on August 23rd....maybe??? Not sure if i can even do that show! It is such an emotional struggle and i need to get my head on straight.
And i hate the fact that i opened my mouth telling people that im doing a show and now they are all waiting for me to get on that stage and if i dont i will feel like a fake and a quitter. Not that i am doing this for anyone else, but i know that they are thinking that i wouldn't be able to do it and i want to prove to them and to me that i can.....i just want to know that i can! Why cant i believe in myself that i can actually do this? Why can i push other people to do it and praise them to the highest but i put myself down?
ok, enough ranting.....
i drink so much more water during the week than i do on the weekends....i wonder why?
I keep forgetting to take my supplements too...can i please get with the program????
Im such a mess......
7 comments:
Angela...I think, and you can ignore me totally if you want, but all of this is part of the process of learning about who you are and what works for you. If you want to compete, you may need to wait for the moment when it all clicks. I know the social aspect of the food can be such a pain in the butt. Weekends were and are still a point of struggle. Things happen on the weekends and schedules are different. You've gotta work with what you have. Each moment adds up to your life, it isn't your whole life. A side of beans and some cake, is a moment. Make it your goal, to make more and more moments that you are happy with that ones you are not, chalk the nots up to learning. I bet if you had a camera on some of the girls you think are "hardcore" more would be right where you are than not. We all have a similar path and we need to help each other along. I'm stoked that you are so honest and think THAT makes you above a lot of us. Keep going. I think you're doing GREAT!
You are not a mess you are human. The holidays are hard for everyone and anytime you are socializing it is going to be hard. I became a hermit pretty much or I would have never made it and Martha is right about having the moment when it clicks. I tend to put a lot of pressure on myself to be perfect and that makes it even harder for me if I do mess up. Trust me, we are all human and never perfect and those that say they are well, are fibbing a bit because we have all had that time when we nibbled on this or that knowing darn good and well we should not do it. You are really being hard on yourself and I am one to talk but I can tell you that if you are not ready do not do it! This is such a learning experience as you go along you will find out so much about yourself on the inside. There will always be another show but ask yourself this, if you decide not to do it what will you do tomorrow? Will you go back to old eating habits or will you go back to BFL or will you just say screw it and go completly haywire with the eating. See, you know you do not want to do any of those things and bfl will seem like a cheat for sure once you have been dieting so strict. So how will you feel if you make the decision not to do it? Will you feel lost? Don't care what anyone else thinks, if your mind is not in the right place put it off until you can get there but I promise you will get there as you go because it is all so very mental it is almost scary.
I agree with Martha. I even told some of the people that told me I'm very dedicated this weekend that if I was tjat dedicated I wouldn't be sitting here eating trail mix. We aren't trying to go Pro and maybe some people don't realize that but I know Martha, Sundie and myself do. It's about growing and proving to yourself that you deserve the best body you can possibly have. I'm loving my body right now but I still covered my ass up this weekend at the lake why? Because deep down inside i'm still that ugly redhead chubby girl that was the "nice" one.
Failure = not having a plan. Make your day a simple as possible. Put all your supps in a vitamin box labeled for each meal or time, check it when ya eat. Refill it at night.
I like to go on auto pilot and not worry about what to eat, etc. So I plan it out in my journal and cook on the weekends. Grab my container for protein, carbs, veggies and there's a meal. Plus I still have choices.
Heck, everything you've said reminds me of myself. I have to eat, breath, and sleep fitness or I lose focus. I've kinda became a hermit and hide in my house. My dream means more to me than being a party gal.
hugs!
You're a human being. It's okay to be human, but putting yourself down a lot is counterproductive, so stop doing it, and look to the future.
You only need to understand the things you did wrong, but labouring them makes how you feel worse, so accept when you made a mistake, and just move on, because using mistakes as a rod to beat yourself, with is buffoonery, and it will only make you feel worse.
You are a beautiful, youthful healthy, married woman. Think about that for a while, and feel better about yourself.
You HAVE ability, you just need to focus on it.
GOOD LUCK.
:-) :-).
Matt
Ah, I'm giving you a blogger hug right now. Try not to be too hard on yourself..I know that's easier said than done. You're just having a tought time..maybe it's because there is not definite show you are working towards quite yet so you're in limbo?
It is tough when everyone knows your plans and are expecting to see you act on them. I am in a similar situation with my key west swim next year. You know deep down that you will enter a show but you just want to be prepared for it. You will get there. Just focus real hard and get yourself back on track.
Every day is a new day for a fresh start.
I hope you're feeling better :(
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