Ok...well this weekend was not good eating wise.....and i have sent a looong email to Tony to confess.....im not going to get into specifics of what i ate, but lets just say that someone who wants to compete in 3 1/2 months should not be eating bad like i did. Adam called me out on it.....and as harsh as he may have been, it was the truth and you know what? The truth hurts sometimes, but then it might be exactly what you need to kick yourself in the butt and get your shit together!
I have come to a conclusion that i have a very hard time with eating and self esteem. I eat something wrong and i feel bad and then i eat more. Part of me is starting to think that i am self sabotaging myself so that i cant succeed and do a comp like i want. I dont know why though...am i afraid to actually like myself? To finally be happy and not have to complain? Is it that i am afraid of getting positive attention rather than negative? What am i so afraid of? I think i am afraid of failure...so why not fail now....but that is what has to change. I do want to compete more than anything.....and nothing should be stopping me.....but then i go and eat crap. This has been such an ongoing merry-go-round for years and years. But i have to get off this ride and stand tall and proud and feel good about myself for once.
I am making no progress and its all my fault...i know this....i do....then why do i let it continue??
These are the thoughts that constantly haunt me.....
I talk and i talk.....but i need to act instead.
I use all of these excuses when i eat something off plan....i am PMSing, i had to go to a party, its a holiday, i was starving and there was nothing else to get....over and over again.....so now its another month going by with no progress.....lose a pound or two, gain it back...over and over....and it has to end.....
I am actually getting tired of hearing myself in my own head!! LOL!! Its like, just shut up and do it already!!!
Im sorry, im just going off today.....but me and Adam had this discussion last night and its all fresh in my head......
Basically what we were talking about was that if i eat something off plan, and i don't tell Tony, that Tony can't fix what he doesn't think is broken, and if have a weigh in and i dont lose anything, Tony doesn't know what the problem is....which Adam is right....but then i get scared to tell Tony....which shouldn't be a problem because im the idiot who is paying him and not following his program...so he is just making easy money off me.....which is what is pissing Adam off...that im paying Tony this money every month and not making any progress...but i was trying to explain this to Adam that its my fault, not Tony's and he said that i shouldn't pay for something that im not doing correctly....he said if you were seeing changes and losing weight then he could see me spending the money, but if im not making any progress, im just throwing money out the window...which, again, he is right.....
so....i have to buckle down....and prove to myself that i can actually do this and be happy.....Adam says that there is no way that i will be able to get in comp shape in less than 16 weeks......well if i cant then, there is always the show in August that i can do......
I know that no one can help me but me and i know that no one can make me eat bad but me.
I know all of these things......i do......god, its such a mental thing, and its so hard......i will get through this.....i know i will.....
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And all of these problems stem from yesterday mostly......i had my sister's baby shower all day...and there were cakes and cookies and i made chocolate covered fruit and pretzel tray...which i didnt eat from that, but...i cant be around sweets....at all.....and Easter is on Sunday.....eeeek!!!!
Ok, im pooped out from writing......its only going to get harder i know......but i will do this...i promise :)
8 comments:
Does it help to know that you are not alone?
I do the same things. I have the same thoughts. I have the same feelings.
You will make it through this. You are strong enough to do it.
You are worth the effort it takes to walk away from that cookie or whatever else is standing in your way. Ask that man of yours to help you clean out the cupboards and have him eat on task with you. If you don't need to eat it take it out of the house. Box it up and move it out for 21 days. For 21 days stay home from parties and eat only what is listed on the piece of paper Tony gave you. Eat only what is in the cupboards and what is in the cupboards should only be what is on the list. Imprison yourself for a moment to give yourself new habits that will give you freedom for the rest of your life over this mental game you keep playing with yourself. In 21 days you will have formed new habits and new faith in yourself that will set you free.
Sorry girl! We all can totally relate to what you are feeling! sounds like you know what to do, but then again I said it before to someone else, if it were easy we'd all be walking around lookin' like Barbie dolls! LOL Perhaps competition diet is too extreme if you are dealing with other emotional issues that you have to uncover before this changes for good???? Not sure, but talk with T, he's a great source of strength and help!
I'm going to post something that might work, depending on how you buy food, and I have posted this before now, so you may find this useful.
1. Find an old shopping receipt, and total all the good stuff, only the cost of the good stuff.
2. Remember some stuff may go up a bit, others down, so you obviously can't take that exact amount of money with you, next time you go, incase you're a $1 or 2 short, so give yourself a small and I mean small surplus on top, to buy shopping with, so probably a max of $10-$15, above that healthy food total, to account for any special offers that have been increased.
3. IF you do pay with cards, then NEVER pay by card, it's a tempting licencse to spend. You should spend cash always.
It self regulates, and is better controlled. Now if you spend paper and metal money, and find you've maybe just got enough left for either some Ice Cream, or a box of Cereal as examples, ther's no choice, Ice Cream must be sent back to the shelf it came from.
It won't do that if a Card's present in the transaction, it will more than likely end up in the basket. Little excuses like one tub won't hurt, if I eat 1 sccop a week, or other such weak arguments, but it's easy access to it when it's back home.
If you need to get more green stuff to buy crap, or need to go out again to buy crap, those should be triggers to stop yourself.
Food shopping with money not cards, and keeping yourself on a very tight leash, hopefully prevents mistakes. Plus if you have 2 dud items in the trolley and one goes back, that might be the trigger to question other purchases to route out other duds, not just choose one dud over another.
You may well be allowing dud food to filter slowly into your house, where it's easy access, if so, you need to stamp this out at source, the place or places you get it from.
I can't guarantee this system will work for you, it's partly down to being careful, solid on the money budgeting, and not caving in to things you see.
GOoD LUCK whatever happens.
:-) :-).
Matt
It is hard but you have to want it bad enough. I know exactly what you are going through because I struggled with the self sabotage for years. I am not sure how I broke away from it but for now at least I can say that I have. Just try and think how crappy you will feel if you are not eating on your plan before, you eat something unauthorized.
For what it is worth, my trainer who is an IFBB pro told me that anyone can be ready in 12 weeks unless they just have a huge amount to lose, and you don't. Don't tell yourself that you can do the August one because that is just an excuse to give yourself more time. Make sense?
First of all... what is done is done, DO NOT beat yourself up about it...that's down the "negative thinking about you" road and you are not allowed to go there :) I said so!!
Second of all this is tough and somehow you have like Sundie said break away and get in that groove where you want this so bad you won't let anyone or anything stop you. You need to talk to Tony, he was key in getting into my head...even if you confessed in e-mail, he would be so impressed if you called him. You don't have to say much, just HELP!! He does most of the talking and he knows how to help you break through.
Forgive yourself...you can do this...and if you do not call him you better call me. I seriously almost called you last night when I read your post, but it was late and I didn't want to wake you. I wasn't going to call you to beat you up either...we've all been there!!
Call me if you want, and call Tony right away, don't wait for him to call you!!
:) Tina
hang in there girl and call Tony when you need him. i never hesitated to call tony and i think that is what made the difference for me. i was barking and growling for him to help me sometimes twice a day in the beginning. each time i called, he called me back and fed me some NEW unbelievable piece of advice. that is why his coaching is so incredible. but if you just wait for coaching calls, he will think you are doing well.
we all feel for ya, but YOU CAN do this! You WILL do this!
I read your post and I can totally relate. Today my husband told he he weighed in at 184..he's lost a good 10 lbs and he's done nothing different. In fact, I think he eats like a horse. I was telling him how I hated that he lost weight with ease. But you know what? My not losing weight is my own damn fault. I've had Starbucks everyday for 3 days. This is the reason I am not hiring a trainer...not yet. Until I can get myself under control, there's no sense in my wasting my $$. And that's what I would be doing. I can pay for some really great advice but until I have enough self control to follow it, I am not going to do it.
Things will get better. If you try really hard, you might be ready for the comp you had planned. Nothing is impossible. NOTHING.
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