Where do I even begin? Since I haven’t posted since last Monday, its throwing me off a bit. Let’s see.
Monday legs at the gym–took spinning class at the gym after work..I loved it! I think I found a new love :) Even though it kills my butt! I need to find one of those padded seats....
Tuesday–26 min EMC-shoulders at gym...Tuesday night went to my sisters for a little bit. We stopped at Starbucks and I got a light caramel frap...I shouldn’t have..its like over 200 calories...bad move, yes I know.
Wednesday–no EMC–back workout at gym. Went to spin class again! YAY!!
Thursday–No EMC—arms at gym....36 min treadmill-home after work
Friday–23 min EMC–chest/legs at the gym. Friday night- met some friends out for happy hour for my girlfriend’s birthday. I didn’t have any drinks or eat anything. I felt out of the loop because I really don’t hang out with anyone anymore, and I felt awkward and out of place. All I wanted to do was go home...isn’t that horrible? But there were pics...and I look fat...which made me sad. Oh and then I forgot my coat at the restaurant. I was so freaked! But luckily I got a hold of one of the girls and they dropped it off to me on their way home. I really didn’t care about the jacket so much as I had my work ID, gym ID, Dunkin Donut card and BJ’s card in my pocket! Thank goodness I took my keys out!
Saturday we had a communion party to go to. I didn’t pack my food and thus, had a very bad eating day. Im not even going to get into the details but it wasn’t pretty.
See this is the continuous issue that I have with myself. I cannot be around food...LOL! Well I can for the most part but when im starving...forget it....and I know its all my fault. I was unprepared and that is what happens.
Lets go back to Friday for a minute....see I also have these issues with seeing people that I haven’t seen in a while. And they know that I eat well and I workout constantly, etc....and yet when they see me, I look the same or even worse! And that makes me more sad because I talk such a good game..oh I cant eat that, I cant drink that...but yet I have all this fat on me! I should look like a freaking IFBB Pro for all the talk I do! But alas...im a cow!
Here are my issues:
• Im not getting enough cardio in
• Im not getting enough plyometrics in
• Im not getting all my meals in
• I lost my focus of what needs to be done
So I need to basically shit or get off the pot, as the saying goes.
What I cant understand is what is wrong with me. Am I that weak of a person? If im so unhappy about the way I look...then I need to change it.
Im supposed to do pics again in two weeks. And yet again...there will be no changes.
I feel like a fake and a fraud. Yes I have competed but not to the potential that I know I have. I need to put those blinders on and just focus on the course that needs to be followed with no distractions.
I must come first. And that is really hard for me. I am always ready to jump as soon as someone gives me an option to do something else. And then what I need to do, doesn’t get done...which in turn, messes my goals up.
I cannot continue to go down this path. I need to write down all my goals, and go through with them.
The only person that can stop me is me....and I keep building this brick wall up....and it needs to come down.
I wanted to do Mike’s boot camp at the end of may....I cant see me doing that either....just because I don’t want him to be disappointed in me.
8 comments:
Sometimes it seems like everything is going wrong. You ARE making progress, and it's common for us to be our own worst critics. Plus, remember that you're most likely retaining water right now, so it's not a good time to look at your progress or compare yourself to previous progress pics. Just keep doin' your thang and remember to put YOU first. It's not selfish; when you put YOU first, you bring a happier, healthier you to other people. So it's a win-win! :) Hang in there!!
One thing you could do, is get rid of that Dunkin' Donuts Card. I don't know their brand very well, but I dought much of their products are in any way justifiable.
All that will do is give you a way to cling onto the past. Perhaps feel sentimental about who you thought you used to be able to be.
The person that could live in any way without regard for it, unlike now where you live with more of a lifestyle conscience.
That card could be seen as like some kind of acceptance, that sometimes it's okay to do what you know in your heart, defeats the purpose or object.
Who exactly is the fraud? The person who actually competed? The person who physically changed from that photo posted about 2 years ago? The person admitting what they are right now and what they know they are doing wrong?
This next part might look a little strong to read, but the fraud would try to justify the actions, the situation dictated they couldn't take, as if it's was manageable.
It's like the Alcoholc that denies their drink problem. The beaten wife that shows signs of Stockholm Syndrome and sympathises with their abuser and partly blames themself. The unemployed husband that leaves at 8AM and comes back at 6PM, but lives his supposed working day, in his car and on park benches.
The fraud doesn't openly admit what you have admitted. The fraud only admits what they must, when they can no longer keep up the pretence, because the emotional and mental strain, is unmanageable or the mask slips a little and others force the truth.
You are no fraud Angela. You are HONEST, you are REAL you are GENUINE.
No matter how much you talk yourself down, or talk as if you are some kind of failure, it comes from the heart, it comes from a beautiful place, the very core of you, the very essence of you, the very bets of you.
For all the supposed faults, you sometimes show vulnerability, but you show just how human you are. A constant fight between what you think you're capable of and what you actually believe you can do.
The yin and yang, but if the Black represents the negative and the white dot the small pipe dream of success, you DEFINITELY show the White part is hope and the dark spot is negativity, the part of the yin yang that CAN become all white.
Your honesty is touching, your admissions brave. You shouldn't castigate yourself for your emotions, but feel proud that you can express yourself like this, without having to hide your feelings, pretend and then let the feelings flood out when you're alone.
You are incredibly human and I so so much value in that. You've always been as honest and genuine as they come. You ARE being honest to yourself, when you write this, not just to others who read, but to YOU.
You understand why this happens and when you ask why, you often know why and the blanks eventually fill themselves in.
Look at every day as a chance to succeed. Don't think that one mistake or one slip-up can be corrected by days of constency.
Does a good team lose a title when thay fail to win one time, or they get the same score as the other team, does that bit of falability mean automatic failure, no it doesn't, but if it happens to often it will.
You need to ascertain what you think is acceptable. What is a slip-up? How bad? How many times?
You need to work out what you can accept and justify about all this, so it becomes something you can have complete clarity over.
I have never doubted you can do it. You proved once already you ARE an athlete, so have belief, have trust in yourself and GOOD LUCK.
:-) :-).
Matt
Wow, Matt, what a beautiful comment. I choose to receive it, too. I love to read your posts, Angela, because you are so honest and so REAL, and so beautiful at the same time, which makes it feel attainable.
The thing that jumped out at me from your post was how hard on yourself you are - a COW? I think not! Fat? Not even close. I do the same thing, and I'm trying to learn how to match my thoughts and words to what I want my life to be, and who I want to be, and how I want to be perceived. It's like when we were teenagers just starting to date, wanting to have friends and boyfriends, and our parents said, "If you want someone to like you, you have to start by liking yourself." (Okay, maybe that was just me...but I don't think so.)
I know that I look at the people around me and the ones who focus on the things they're doing RIGHT, the ones who see their progress, the ones who focus on the parts of them that are getting smaller, leaner, tighter...those are the ones who achieve success. I know that I have been my greatest obstacle in the past and I am starting to be my own cheerleader. If someone else talked about me the way I talked about myself, I would cuss them out and then never talk to them again. So why do I do it to myself? I don't anymore, that's all I can say about that. I'd love to support you in becoming your own best advocate and cheerleader. We all love you and know you're doing great. How bout you join us?
im totally pmsing tooo i feel you angela :( email me anytime! one on one hugs
Your NOT a cow, and your just having a moment we have all been there.
Its hard when you have seen yourself so "perfect" then you try to be that way 24 like on stage, its just not reality for most everyone.
You are making progress and NO one is thinking your disapointing them, you RAWK!
The pms thing always makes me feel this way too, don't worry you will be back to yourself in no time.
Hugs your way Ang!! You are not a fake and fraud, you just need to get back to the basics. You are doing this because you want to :) You know what to do when the time comes. Maybe now is just not the time?
By the way you may or may not have read my most recent post about people not being where they want to be and blaming others. I just wanted to say, when I said I respected people who admitted it was their reasons for not being ready, I totally meant and thought of you. Sometimes we are not ready or where we want to be...but I love that you know why that is and are real with yourself. Honey you have such a good heart. Don't be so hard on yourself!
Are you close to NJ? Maybe you can come and hand out with Genie and I at team u!!
I don't like the negatives! You kinda post how much you're not doing instead of what you are doing. Sometimes you could be over training. I do much less cardio now than I used to and I look a lot better.
I think you should come and move here with me. Then you'd be happier ;) It may not cure the PMS but it's worth a shot. I don't have the "cycle" anymore so maybe i'll rub off on you.
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